"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well, I have others."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I don't know."

"I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"Why should I care about posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

"Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"Whatever it is, I'm against it!"

"If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don't come running to me."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening--but this wasn't it."

"Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove."

''I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception".