Laurence O’Keefe & Kevin Murphy
Piñata Of Doom
[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
Okay, Westerbergers! Time to celebrate our victory over the Razorbacks by whacking apart their mascot!

(H. MACNAMARA holds up a blindfold and a hockey stick)

[H. MCNAMARA, spoken]
We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the pinata --

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
Martha Dunnstock! I think you should do the honors.

[MARTHA, spoken]
I don’t really know this game.

[H. MCNAMARA, spoken]
Let’s show this girl some Westerberg spirit! Whoo!

(THE HEATHERS prompt applause, while everyone joins in and chants. H. MCNAMARA blindfolds MARTHA.)

[H. MCNAMARA, spoken]
Bring out the piñata!

(H. DUKE carries out the PIG PIÑATA. It has been crudely outfitted to resemble MARTHA)

[VERONICA, spoken]
What are you doing? Give me that.
(They tussle for the piñata)

[H. DUKE, spoken]
Heather, help!

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
What is your damage, Veronica?!

(H. CHANDLER joins the struggle)

[KURT, spoken]
Catfight!

[RAM (and others), spoken]:
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(VERONICA has the piñata. Stand-off!)

[VERONICA, spoken]
What's your damage, Heather? You want this? Swim for it.

(VERONICA hurls the pinata into the swimming pool.)

(MARTHA removes her blindfold)

[MARTHA, spoken]
What’s going on?
(The party has come to a dead stop)

[VERONICA, spoken]
Go home. I’ll explain later.

(MARTHA hesitates)

[VERONICA, spoken]
Go.

(MARTHA exits. VERONICA turns to H. CHANDLER)

[VERONICA, spoken]
Well, we gave it a shot. I’m resigning my commission from the Lip Gloss Gestapo. Going back to civilian life.

(VERONICA starts to walk away. H. CHANDLER stops her, spins her, shoves her against the wall)

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
No!

[VERONICA, spoken]
Don’t spin me, I’m not feeling well.

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
You don’t get to be a nobody. Come Monday, you’re an ex-somebody. Not even the losers will touch you now. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerburg's going to let you play their reindeer games--
(Suddenly, VERONICA vomits all over H. CHANDLER. She screams)

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
Aaaagh! I raised you up from nothing. And what’s my thanks? I got paid in puke!

(VERONICA wipes her mouth, now sober)

[VERONICA, spoken]
Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
I know who I’m eating lunch with on Monday. Do you?

(VERONICA looks to DUKE and MCNAMARA for support; they turn away)

(She looks to another group of students, who also turn)

(She tries once more and is again shunned)

(VERONICA runs off)

[H. CHANDLER, spoken]
Alright party people, where's the goddamn keg?!