[Fedallah, spoken]

Yeah I reckon you’re right

Reckon I’m the devil himself, not a man. God forbid, oh law forbid I be a real man, an actual fully-fleshed-out character. No! Instead I just get a… what the fuck even is this thing? Fucking mystic bullshit. Ugh!

Cut the waves!

So yes, Fedallah is here… and he’s weird

Hermie, he’s fuckin’ weird

So, we gonna dig in a little [?]. Now, a lotta people get confused and think Fedallah is Muslim or some kinda exotic, far-eastern mystic because of his rumpled Chinese jacket. But Fedallah is in fact, Parsi. Now the Parsi are a group of Zoroatrian Monotheistic religious sect based on the eternal dualistic struggle between good and evil. And we’re living in Persia building fire temples, leaving our dead to be eaten by birds, all kinds of cool shit (you can Wikipedia this). Until the 9th century when the Arab conquest hits and suddenly Arab Muslims are burning our streets, killing our priests, and all that shit and it turns out history’s fucked up everything

Though America, special kind of fucked up

Now I know, you think, the Middle Eastern charcter would be Muslim, right? I mean we’ve got all the most persecuted groups from America’s long and fucked-up history up in here! And uh- Muslims have had a real fuckin time in the last couple of decades in America am I right? An— I mean, no offense guys, solidarity, obviously, since I’m black. Which is real fuckin color-conscious casting I mean, did you all get that the mates are all actually white dudes? Uh huh, they snuck that into some lyrics but that went by pretty quick. Oh I’m sure our beloved writer and director have thought painstakingly about all this aggressively diverse casting. In effort to-to what, guys? Win some prizes? “Outstanding woke-ness from a white writer and director in a musical”

No no no, we’re good, guys. Aight, I appreciate the paycheck. Really do

Uh, but what’s really fucked up about this is that I am- now I mean actor me- was, in fact, raised Muslim! So I actually know that shit. I got a rug, you know? But then, like a lot of people, I went to college. Started reading some books, thinking for myself, smoking weed and shit, and I came to the realization that Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, every fuckin’ ‘ism’ thing else, are all bazonkers! I mean people are fuckin’ cuttin off their babies’ prick-skins and doin’ conversion therapy on gays and stonin’ untouchables and hidin’ their women and I mean, no fuckin way. I hit my atheist phase hard and I never looked back

And no one got a pass, neither of the ancient wicken [?] worship or new-age astrology shit either. I mean shit. Messes. People. Up!

I mean look at old Quaker-gone-crackers Ahab, [?] fool it’s just a whale! Oh, sorry, spoiler for part four. Part Four?! Jesus fucking Dave Malloy! Where’s Ishmael? Oh, when you see him, watch out for him, aight don’t take any shit from him. We the ones up here bustin’ our ass [?] shit, not him. Though, you know, for all of part one while all these guys out here singin’ and dancin’ and I’m just hangin out backstage doing jack shit. And I’m getting paid the same as them. Thank you, equity!
Ugh, anyway. Fuck religion, fuck America, fuck y’all

I mean, to be honest, to be really honest
Part of me does really wanna see everything burn. To watch it sink to the bottom of the sea, give the whales, dolphins, cockroaches, and mushrooms a chance, you know? Let mankind just be done. Annihilate. Ocean

But alright! Alright, I can see our main characters and our playwright and our director, God bless ‘em, gettin’ antsy, so let’s head back into the so-called “rising action”! I guess they got a sort of a cooking show vaudeville coming up next. I dunno, should be fun. I’ll just try to sit back and be vaguely menacing

Just like you like me, right Hermie?! Right Hermie?!