[Intro: Pink Guy, Nickelodeon Employee]
(Hello, Nickelodeon headquarters)
Hi, sorry to disturb you this-this late in the night
Uh, I-I have a serious inquiry directed toward Nickelodeon, uh
My question is, what the fuck are you doing?
You know, y'all used to have some fire bitches
When I turn on the TV I'm trying to see my favorite bitches
Zoey 101? Jennette McCurdy? Oh my God, ugh
And now all you got is these preteens
Bruh, I'm not a pedo
I'm not trying to look at these little kids and get aroused, mrrr
Now I can't watch Nickelodeon with my dick in my hand anymore
Now I'm fucking upset
This is some fucking bullshit
Mrrrr!

[Chorus]
Dan Schneider
Bring all my bitches back
I need all my bitches, I need all my bitches

[Build]
The new shit you put out is wack
Dan Schneider
I'm just trying to get an erection
But now that these kids looking thirteen and under
My penis will suffer
[Verse]
Dan fucking Schneider (Schneider)
This ain't a fucking game, bitch
I wanna watch a sitcom with my hand on my dick
I wanna see a titty (Titty) not fucking kid shit
Return all the hot chicks or you gon' get it, bitch
ICarly, iCarly, I don't care if you look like Michael Jackson
As long as you giving me action and Freddy gon' film the reaction
Sam gonna join in and suck me a fat one
Nickelodeon girls can't live without 'em (Whew)
Ariana Grande (Ariana Grande)
I know I drive a Hyundai (I know I drive a Hyundai)
I can put you in a coma (I can put you in a coma)
Have brunch on a Sunday (Have brunch on a Sunday, fancy)
My dick put you in a coffin all night screaming and tossing (Ugh!)
Victoria Justice, I know you tryna touch this
Lizzie McGuire is tight but I bet Zoey's tighter
You can find me in her bed digging through that vaginer
Amanda Bynes, you a little bit crazy
But you can still have my babies (Whew!)
Go down like a dog with the rabies
Y'all can't save me
Uh, a little bit of weed, hard liquor for the ladies
Got me feeling like a young Dan Schneider from the '80s
With a Jewish law firm and an all-black Mercedes
She playing with the balls like Brady (Ay)
Fuck off with the shitty little kids with their stupid shit
I only wanna see the ones with a body fit
And I don't want to be the one to be a little bitch about it
But I'm just saying what everybody is thinking
(Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)
Where the titties at?
Dan Schneider why you ruining your business?
You realize I'd probably buy cable
If you keep all the girls and the ratings all stable
'Cause I ain't tryin' to see a young baby in the cradle
'Cause I'm not a pedophile
I'm not trying to see that shit (C'mon man)
The girls I have sexualized are all in their 20s and 30s (Disclaimer!)
I'm not saying you should change all the bitches
But at least something after 10:30 (30!)
[Chorus]
Dan Schneider
Bring all my bitches back
I need all my bitches, I need all my bitches
I need all my bitches back

[Outro]
I love you, Dan Schneider, just please bring them back