I'll sing about my favourite spice
It's pretty hot but its very nice
And the punch line's in the chorus
So I won't spoil it
I recommend you understand
That boys should always wash their hands
Between eating it and going to the toilet

Jalapeno, Jalapeno
Jalapeno, Jalapeno

I'll tell you about a person, who
Was pretty good in X-Men 2
And you'll guess this
Now that you have had some practice
She wasn't really known at all
Until she starred in Monster's Ball
For which she won an Oscar for Best Actress

Halle Berry, Halle Berry
Halle Berry, Halle Berry

If you went back a century
And suffered some great injury
That meant you had to have an amputation
You'd suffer pain but not today
Cause now we have a clever way
So you can sleep right through your operation
Anesthesia, anesthesia
Anesthesia, anesthesia

This is a phrase that people say
But only on one special day
You've said it many times, you will remember
You'll drink a large glass of malt wine
And sing a verse of Auld Lang Syne
And say this as you wave bye to December

Happy New Year, Happy New Year
Happy New Year, Happy New Year

It's time to have another try
This one is a medical di-
Agnosis when one doesn't smell of roses
Cause every time you yawn or speak
The flowers die and the people shriek
And everybody's hands rush to their noses

Halitosis, halitosis
Halitosis, halitosis

Let's talk about a type of shop
Where you can never buy a chop
Or sausages or any kind of bacon
Or crackling, or pork, or gammon
Or what the Spanish know as "jamon"
If you disagree, than you are quite mistaken
Halal butcher, halal butcher
Halal butcher, halal butcher

That last punch line was quite obscure
But you will guess this one, I'm sure
Cause not to work it out would be quite shocking
It won't take that much thought at all
This phrase is something nautical
That prostitutes might say at time of docking

Hello sailor, hello sailor
Hello sailor, hello sailor

A recent holiday I had, was fifty miles from Baghdad
A cultural and sunny destination
It's not a trip I much enjoyed
Because my hotel was destroyed
By the U.S. army's occupation

In Fallujah, in Fallujah
In Fallujah, in Fallujah

Some men notice with dismay
Their hair has fallen out one day
From problems with their scalp or malnutrition
I'll tell you what this illness's called
It's more than simply going bald
The proper name for this hair loss condition:
Alopecia, alopecia
Alopecia, alopecia

When takin' baths all through my life
I've cleaned myself with this device
It's made out of two metals in a mixture
I'm not sure if it's copper and tin
Or maybe it has nickel in
But either way, I think you've got the picture

Alloy loofah, alloy loofah
Alloy loofah, alloy loofah

There have been people through the years
Who've had not one but two careers
Like this man here whose job needs explanation
He's someone who's been double-trained
A barrister, who's been ordained
Essential for religious litigation

Holy lawyer, holy lawyer
Holy lawyer, holy lawyer

I'll tell you about a type of sweet
I hope you never have to eat
It's chewy and it's made with nuts and honey
Alarmingly, it's full of cheese
A salty cheese that comes from Greece
It's not a taste, forgotten in a hurry

Halloumi nougat, halloumi nougat
Halloumi nougat, halloumi nougat