It's amazing how pretty you looked on that night
Your skirt was so short, and your top was so tight
I bought you a drink, and we danced on the floor
We polled and you came back to mine for some more

Your skirt ended up on the living room chairs
And your top and your bra, they came off on the stairs
And though you looked fit with your clothes on, man, I was a fool

'Cause you look like shit
When you wear nothing at all

Oh, the clothes that you wore looked a million dollars
But the body beneath, it looks just like Rik Waller's
The makeup you wear is a clever disguise
To hide your moustache and the squint in your eyes

Your cellulite's dreadful, you're covered in zits and
Your stomach's about as defined as quicksand
If I'm being honest, your tits are unacceptably small

So you look like shit
When you wear nothing at all

When we went back to mine I was up for a shag
In the bedroom I realized you're a dumpy old slag
Your pubes reach your navel and they cover your thighs
Didn't know they made asses that size
When we met on that night I could swear that I never
Would have guessed you're a female Andrew Lloyd Webber
The hair on your chest's a bit endocrinological

And you look like shit
When you wear nothing at all

Your teeth are all yellow with bloody great gaps so
Your face is a picture by Pablo Picasso
I can see that your ass has its own gravitational pull

And you look like shit
When you wear nothing at all