I hate Christmas shopping
It really makes me wrecked
Especially when those gifts
Must be politically correct
Don't give a boy an army
That gun could make him vicious
Don't give a girl a doll with curls
She'll spend her whole life doing dishes
Gift giving is so complicated
It can warp the psyche
So I'm sticking with that old standby
That fits every little Marge and Mikey

I'm giving guilt this Christmas
Just like mother taught me
It's the best, it outlasts
Everything she ever bought me

Guilt is a gift that keeps on giving
Year in and year out
What is Christmas without something
To feel bad about

No shopping, wrapping, shipping, packing
Traffic at the mall
It goes with any color
One size fits all
My whole list gets some
There'll be no ommissions
Remember it's the thought that counts
It's a family tradition
(Deck the halls with melancholy!)

I'm giving guilt this Christmas
I've got it in the millions
I get it from my folks, my wife
And sometimes from my children
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving
There seems to be no lack
I've been getting guilt for years
And this year they'll get it back
I've been getting guilt for years
And this year they'll get it all back
(I'm giving guilt for Christmas)