Ray Stevens
My new driver's license photo
Makes me look like Quasimodo
And all my clothes are styled for me
By Minnesota Fats

The diet drink I live on
Soon may take the place of Decon
Heard it killed 8-million Laboratory rats

Every night I dream of Ding Dongs
That are big enough for King Kong
And someday I may just be that big myself

Stepped on the scales, put in a dime
Card came out, said "One at a time"
I tell ya friends, I really need some help

'Cause I'm fat
I feel so fat
The bottoms of my feet
Are the only parts of me that's flat
In a society where thin is in
And lean is where it's at
Oh, hoo, hoo ooh... why do I have to be so fat?
You're so fat
Started workouts with Jane Fonda
When I couldn't get in my Honda
I's determined I'd turn all my flab to lean

I would hear of some new diet
And I'd run right out and try it
Didn't eat a thing for weeks that wasn't green

Every week down at the fat club
I would proudly stand up
Tell my weight loss, and give my testimony

Lost 50 pounds, I's feeling great
Just had one drink to celebrate
And went right out and ate
A French-fried Shetland pony

Somebody put a bumper sticker on my car
Said honk if you've got groceries

I's just standing on a corner
And a cop came over, and asked me to break it up

Evel Knievel called
Wants to jump me
Earl Scheib wouldn't paint me
For eighty-nine ninety-five

Goodyear called
Wants me to join the fleet
Cover the next Superbowl

All the chairs in my house got seatbelts