[Michael Scarn, spoken]
Not today. I'm too depressed to save the big game, Billy

[Billy the Bartender, spoken]
I'm gonna cheer you up. The only ways I know how's. Hey, kid! Hit G9 on the jukebox

[Michael Scarn, spoken]
Don't, Billy. I haven't done that dance since my wife died

[Billy the Bartender, spoken]
There's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the Scarn

[Michael Scarn, sung]
Well, my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say
I'm about to do the Scarn in a major way
You jump to the right, and you shake a hand
And you jump to the left and you shake that hand
Meet new friends, tie some yarn
That's how you do the Scarn!

[All, sung]
Well, my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say
I'm about to do the Scarn in a major way
You jump to the right, and you shake a hand
And you jump to the left and you shake that hand
Meet new friends, tie some yarn
That's how you do the Scarn!
Oooh!
[Drunk Man, spoken]
If doing the Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!