John Mulaney
Breaking up with Your Dealer
One thing you do in rehab, you sit down with your counsellor and you go through your phone. And a lot of times they'll have you delete and block any drug dealers or any bad influences numbers that you have. In some cases, you reach out to the people first and you tell them, "Hey, I'm going to delete and block you." So that they don't try to track you down later. It's called breaking up with your dealer.

So I did this one day. I sat with my counsellor, I go through my phone. I went to my main dealer Arvin, first. And I texted him and I said, "Hey, I'm deleting and blocking you. I'm never going to buy drugs from you again. I'm sober now."

Then I didn't know how to end the text. So I go, "But thank you for... your many years of inspired professionalism, and the many nights that became days." I send the text.

Before I can delete and block him, Arvin texts me back. He goes, "Hey, I'm so proud of you for getting sober." Then he writes, "You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you 'cause I was worried about you and I didn't want you to get worse stuff off the street." I know. And I'm breaking up with this guy?

So I... I can't delete him now. I text him back. I go, "You sweet man." I said... I said, "You only bought drugs to sell to me?" He says, "Yeah." I say, "Did you sell drugs to other people?" He says, "No." Then I say, "Hey, this is a weird time to ask, but are you a drug dealer?" He goes, "No, I'm a painter, we talked about this."

Boston, to this day, I have no idea how I know this person. So I text him back. And I say, "How did it come to be... that you sell me drugs?" And he wrote back, "I don't know. You just kept asking."

I like that story 'cause there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer.

And that is the promise of J.