John Mulaney
The Dow Jones and the Very Rich Donald Trump
I've been trying to follow the news more this year. I've been trying to be much more involved with the news, y'know? I read that this week over two days, the DOW Jones dropped 929 points, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what that means. It's getting embarrassing, when there's too much financial news. It real embarrassing. At this point, when I'm watching CNBC, I almost feel like I'm a kid again, and I'm like listening to my parents talk about me in front of me, and I don't know what the fuck they're saying, but I know that it's going to effect me. Y'know, they're like, "I think someone needs to go to B-E-D,"
And I'm like, "Grrrr, ah, I don't know what this B-E-D shit is. I just know that I'm gonna get screwed."

Oh, I saw a class advertised where you can learn how to get rich now from Donald Trump. He will teach you. He has an online college. He'll show you his methods of getting rich.
And he would know, wouldn't he? Trump would know, because he is a very rich man. In fact, to me, at this point, like Donald Trump is not just a rich man, like Donald Trump is almost like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be, y'know? It's like years ago Trump was walking through an alley, and he heard some guy just like, "Ho-ho, boy, oh, boy. As soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall buildings with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire people with my children."
And Trump was like "That is how I will live my life. Thank you, hobo, for that life plan." I bet you when Donald Trump makes a decision, he thinks to himself, "What would a cartoon rich person do? Put up billboards of my face everywhere? That's a good idea."