I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave and… have walked and talked for 28 years. I think I was supposed to be gay. I think, like, in Heaven they built, like, three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch, and they just sent me out and it was like, "You marked that one gay, right?"
And it was like, "Oh no! Was I supposed to?"
And they were like, "Oh man, well this'll be a very interesting person. This'll be a very silly person."

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy. A lot of little boys are gay. You know, they're very flowy and they have very hard opinions on things. I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy, that's not what I mean. When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that's kind of over it sexually, you know. I was just like an old queen, I would just come out of the recess yard and be like, "Everyone get outta my way. I just wanna sit here and feed my birds." The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I'd be like, “You want me to do what?”

Real quick, this happened pretty recently, I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this and he said this to me, he went, "I'm either having a drink or I have to pee, you're livin' the golden years, kid, not me," Like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, "Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?" and she was like "John, that bathroom's been closed for forty years!" Whoa! Whoa!

Where was I? I'm not gay, but I might be, and I have a girlfriend, and she's a female person. It's going very well, I love her very much, and so a few months ago she was like, "Okay, it's going well, so now I should meet your parents." Because that what people do when a relationship is going well. They meet each other's parents, and I've never understood that. I've never been with my girlfriend and thought like, "Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? Charles and Ellen Mulaney. Come on! Let's get them in the mix. We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately, I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people."