John Mulaney
Jewish Girls
My girlfriend is a Jewish woman which is... I did on purpose. Uh... that sounded creepy. I don't mean like "Ah! I got one!"
I mean like, I... I, uh... I am not Jewish, but I've always really liked Jewish people, I just like them a lot, and I really like dating Jewish women. They're great, because like I think a lot of problems people have in relationships are with communication because guys don't know what women are thinking, and with Jewish women, you do not have to guess what they are thinking: they will tell you. Yeah, this is gonna get playfully anti-Semitic, so just allow it to go there, allow- I'll get in trouble, you won't. I really do mean this though, I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have... are very like, upfront with their feelings. They're very-they're very vocal about their uh, their thoughts and feelings and I think that's really admirable

, tou know I am Irish, and Irish people, they don't tell you a thing, Irish people keep it so bottled up Like you know, the plan with Irish people is like, "I'll keep all my emotions right here...and then one day I'll die."
Like in Ireland it's like, "Ah, your boy as died"
And it's like, "Alright bury the boy, alright do it bury the boy."
"Bury the boy."
Irish people don't want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland, it's like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.

I used to date gentile women, and... I dated this girl, she'd just stare out the window all day long. And I'd be like, "What's wrong?"
She'd be like, "You wouldn't even understand if I told you."
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"

My Jewish girlfriend; I don't have to guess what's wrong. She comes in the room and she's like "My stomach hurts!" Then we can move on from there. That's what I mean, she's very focused, she's very in the moment, you know? And that's a good thing in a significant other, she's very present. Jews don't daydream 'cause folks are always after 'em and they gotta stay sharp, you know what I mean? They have to be there. They haven't let their minds wander since Egypt. They just stay sharp. They're- "Who's that who are you!?"
"What's that? Put that down."
"What's that over there? Don't do that."