[Lois]
It seems today
That all you see
Is violence and movies
And sex on TV

[Peter]
But where are those good old fashioned values
On which we used to rely?

[Brian]
It used to be
A big time star
Was Elegant as Garbo
Or Hedy Lamarr

[Stewie]
But now we got whores like Jenny Lopez
You want to curl up and die

[Chorus]
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us

[Stewie]
Laugh and cry
[Chorus]
He's a family guy

[Lois]
When I was young
The songs were fair
With Mister Johnny Mathis
And Sonny and Cher

[Peter]
But now we got Justin Timber-homo

[Lois]
A heartache all gone awry

[Chorus]
So awry

[Brian]
The classic films
Were works of arts
The images were graceful
The stories were smart

[Stewie]
But now we get Matrix Revolution
I'm sorry I know this doesn't rhyme
But what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?!
[Chorus]
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a fella
Sweeter than vanilla
Wholesome as a piece of

[Stewie]
Apple pie

[Chorus]
He's a family guy!

[Lois]
His smile's a simple delight

[Chris]
He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites

[Lois]
Peter!

[Meg]
He bought my cute little hat

[Brian]
Yeah, we should talk about that
(About that! And his hat!)
[Musical Break]

[Brian]
He's mastered the comedy arts

[Stewie]
He says, "Look out Hiroshima!" then casually farts

[Lois]
He's loaded with sexy appeal

[Peter]
And best of all my titties are real. Have a feel!

[Brian]
No thank you

[Stewie]
I gave it the office

[Lois]
The Brady Bunch
Has got their Mike
And pretty Laura Petrie
Has Dicky Van Dyke
But who around here could fill these loafers?

[Chorus]
But here's a happy reply
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us

[Stewie]
Laugh and cry

[Chorus]
He's...a...fam...ily...guy!
He's...a...fam...ily...guy!