The Griffins are all sitting together in their living room and watching television.

[CUT TO: TELEVISION SHOW]

JAN BRADY: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.

MIKE BRADY: Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?

GREG BRADY: No, Dad.

MIKE BRADY: Turns to Carol Brady. Well, he's lying, there's no doubt about that. Turns back to Greg. Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snake pit.

Mike pushes a button on the kitchen counter, opening up a hole in the floor.

MIKE BRADY: Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done.

GREG BRADY: Aw, man!

Greg jumps into the hole.

JAN BRADY: That'll teach him.

MIKE BRADY: And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.

Mike pushes a button on the wall, opening a large steel door that reveals a chamber of fire.
[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS WATCHING TELEVISION]

LOIS: Ugh, smoking! How does a boy like that go so wrong?

PETER: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.

BRIAN: The Bradys?

PETER: Oh, hell yeah! They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, ah, you name it.

An African-American woman wearing a red apron and a red bandana is seen outside of the Griffins' window holding a stack of pancakes.

JEMIMA'S WITNESS: You folks want some pancakes?

PETER: No thank you!

Peter turns back to his family.

PETER: See, that's the worst we got, is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses!

THEME SONG

Chris, Stewie, and Meg are all sitting at the kitchen table. Lois is preparing food.

MEG: Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen infections?
LOIS: Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self image.

[CUTAWAY GAG: DAS GYM]

A young Adolf Hitler is seen lifting weights. The camera turns to reveal a muscular Jewish man laughing as two women feel his muscles. Hitler growls with anger.

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS IN THE KITCHEN]

Stewie is seen in his high chair holding a screwdriver and a weapon resembling a ray gun.

STEWIE: Excellent! The mind control device is nearing completion.

LOIS: Stewie, Lois takes the mind control device out of Stewie's hands I said no toys at the table.

STEWIE: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

LOIS: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.

STEWIE: But of course! That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. Return the device, woman!

LOIS: No toys, Stewie.

Lois puts the mind control device in a cupboard.

STEWIE: Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
MEG: Mom, can I turn the heat up?

Meg walks over to the thermostat.

LOIS: Oh, don't touch the thermostat Meg, your father gets upset.

MEG: Come on, this thing goes up to 90.

Meg changes the thermostat temperature from 60° to 65°, causing Peter to immediately burst through the door.

PETER: Who touched the thermostat?

MEG: God, how does he always know?

PETER: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messing with the dial.

A neighborhood dad shows up at the Griffins' door in a panic.

NEIGHBORHOOD DAD 1: Hey, Peter! My thing went off! Your thermostat okay?

Another neighborhood dad shows up at the Griffins' door in the same manner as the first.

NEIGHBORHOOD DAD 2: Hey, is my kid over here?

NEIGHBORHOOD DAD 1: Forget it, false alarm!

Brian walks into the room.

BRIAN: Whoa... ass-ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on, what's the occasion?

LOIS: He's going to a stag party.

PETER: Now, Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house, and as the man I order you to give me permission to go to this party.

LOIS: Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble.

PETER: Come on, you're worrying about nothing.

LOIS: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off of Communion wine at church?

[CUTAWAY GAG: CHURCH]

PASTOR: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

God is shown watching the pastor speak.

GOD: Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.

PRIEST: Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity.

Peter is shown on his knees drinking Communion wine.

PETER: Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?

PASTOR: Yes.

PETER: Man, that guy must've been wasted twenty-four hours a day, eh?

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS IN THE KITCHEN]

LOIS: And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

[CUTAWAY GAG: ICE CREAM STORE]

The Griffins are standing in an ice cream store. Peter is holding an ice cream cone.

PETER: Ha, butter-rum's my favorite!

Peter licks the ice cream cone and promptly passes out, causing him to fall flat on his face and break the table in front of him.

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS IN THE KITCHEN]

BRIAN: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

[CUTAWAY GAG: THE GRIFFINS WATCHING PHILADEPHIA]

The Griffins are in a movie theater watching Philadelphia. The audience is crying. Peter stares blankly at the screen for a few seconds before clapping his hands together and pointing at the screen.

PETER: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.

ANDREW BECKETT (in the movie being watched): I have AIDS.

PETER: Hahahahaha!

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS IN THE KITCHEN]

LOIS: Promise me, Peter.

PETER: Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight.

[CUT TO: STAG PARTY]

QUAGMIRE: Hey! Who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

PETER: Right here!

Peter takes a drink from a can of beer.

QUAGMIRE: You win!

PETER: Alright! What do I win?

QUAGMIRE: Another beer!

PETER: I'm going for the high score!

QUAGMIRE: Actually, Charlie's got the high score.

The camera pans to reveal Charlie with his pants down standing in front of an opened grandfather clock.

CHARLIE: Hey man, your clock won't flush!

PETER: You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.

QUAGMIRE: Don't feel bad, Peter.

PETER: Gee, I never thought of it like that!

RANDOM PARTYGOER: Hey, did you bring the porno?

PETER: Did I bring the porno, eh? You're gonna love it.

Peter holds up a VHS entitled "Assablanca".

[CUT TO: "ASSABLANCA" VHS]

RICK BLAINE: Listen to me, Ilsa. If I take this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

[CUT TO: STAG PARTYGOERS ON THE COUCH]

PETER: Come on, llsa! Get it on!

[CUT BACK TO: "ASSABLANCA" VHS]

Ilsa begins taking off her clothes, but the film is quickly interrupted by an image of the Statue of Liberty with a narrator stating "The statue was originally a gift from France."

[CUT BACK TO: PARTYGOERS ON THE COUCH]

CHARLIE: What is this?

PETER: Aw, man! My kid must've taped over this for history class.

Everyone groans.

RANDOM PARTYGOER: The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?

PETER: Boys, boys. We're gonna drink till she's hot!

QUAGMIRE: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!

All of the partygoers chug their beers at once.

[CUT TO: THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

Lois is pouring coffee into a mug.

LOIS: Meg, finish your pancakes.

The camera moves to reveal that Peter is laying on the kitchen table. Brian, Meg, Chris, and Stewie are eating, and their food and silverware is on their father's body.

LOIS: Chris, elbows off your father.

Chris moves his elbows.

PETER: Thanks, son.

Lois turns her attention to Peter.

LOIS: Thirty-seven beers. Well, you're setting a great example for the kids, Peter.

CHRIS: Yeah, a new family record! Way to raise the bar, Dad.

LOIS: Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.

PETER: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

LOIS: Peter, what did you promise me last night?

PETER: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.

LOIS: And what did you do?

PETER: Drank at the stag p— oh-ho-ho, I almost walked right into that one!

Peter grabs his head in pain.

PETER: God! Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head.

The camera zooms into Peter's head, revealing two accountants working.

PAUL: Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?

DICK: Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work.

PAUL: Ha, okay.

The camera zooms out of Peter's head and back into the Griffins' kitchen.

LOIS: You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean y—

Lois' chair breaks, causing her to fall on the floor.

MEG: Mom, are you all right?

Lois sits up, holding a broken-off chair leg.

LOIS: My goodness. This chair leg was loose! Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.

STEWIE: Damn! Suspenseful violin music plays.

PETER: Look, honey, I took a cab home, I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened.

LOIS: Well, I guess you're right.

PETER: Apology accepted. Alright, I'm going to work.
Somebody's gotta put food on this table.

Peter leans over, calling him to fall off the table and crush the food that was on him during breakfast.

[CUT TO: HAPPY-GO-LUCKY TOYS, INC.]

MR. WEED: How are you coming, Johnson?

JOHNSON: Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line, and as you can see, they look great!

The camera zooms into the "G.I. Jew" toy, showing a soldier with a large nose and glasses holding a bagel.

G.I. JEW: You call these bagels?

JOHNSON: Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!

Peter is shown sleeping in front of a conveyer belt that is carring toys from one end to the other.

MR. WEED: Peter!

Peter wakes up.

PETER: What?

MR. WEED: Are you sleeping on the job?

PETER: Uh, uh, no. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.

MR. WEED: Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toys that could be hazardous to children. Now, look sharp!

PETER: Yes, sir!

Mr. Weed walks away and Peter goes back to sleep. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the conveyer belt, showing several dangerous items going by.

[CUT TO: QUAHOG 5 NEWS]

DIANE: And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack. Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.

TOM: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several unsafe products into the retail market.

News clips of various children begin to play.

The first clip depicts a child playing at a baseball field.

CHILD: Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Rather than a Silly Ball, Timmy throws an axe.

The second clip depicts a child with a box labelled "Pound Poochie."

CHILD: Oh, boy! A Pound Poochie!

The child opens the box, and several pills come out.

The third news clip depicts a child playing with a doll.

CHILD: Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out.

The child squeezes the doll, causing fire to come out of it's mouth.

[CUT TO: MR. WEED's OFFICE]

The camera zooms out and Mr. Weed uses a remote to turn off the television playing the news story.

Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. You're fired!

PETER: Aw, jeez. For how long?

[CUT TO: THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

Chris, Meg, Brian, and Peter are sitting at the dinner table.

MEG: Oh my God! You got fired?

CHRIS: Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!

STEWIE: How do you know about the machine?

PETER: Now don't worry, kids. Your father's still gonna put food on this table, just... not as much, so it might get a little competitive.

MEG: Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!

BRIAN: Hey uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?

LOIS: Okay, who's hungry?

PETER (to himself): Ah, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!

A devil appears on Peter's right shoulder.

DEVIL: Lie to her! It's okay to lie to women, they're not people like us.

PETER (to Devil): I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy?

[CUT TO: ANGELIC HIGHWAY]

The angel that is meant to be on Peter's left shoulder is shown in a long line of cars that are all honking.

PETER’S ANGEL: Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work.

The angel takes a drink from his mug and spills the drink all over his shirt.

PETER’S ANGEL: Oh, oh, well, this is perfect.

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS' AT THE DINNER TABLE]

PETER: Look, I don't want your mom to worry, alright? When she worries, she says thingsl ike "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep," so I'm gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned.

Lois walks into the room and starts putting food on everyone's plates.

LOIS: What's that, Peter?

PETER: Uh, uh, nothing! Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!

LOIS: What?

PETER: Uh, Meg, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligance?

LOIS: Peter, are you feeling okay?

PETER: Haha, I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.

LOIS: Alright, then let's eat. Now, I know you all hate eggplant, but—

A laser beam shoots right by Lois' face.

LOIS: What on earth was that?

Everyone looks at Stewie.

STEWIE: What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish and nothing else.

Stewie pushes a button, causing the firearm barrel sticking out of his sandwich to retreat.

[CUT TO: FRONT YARD]

BRIAN: Hey, how's your job search going?

PETER: It sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial.

[CUTAWAY GAG: COMMERCIAL]

Peter is shown wearing a bird outfit and holding a bowl of chocolate cereal in front of camera.

DIRECTOR: Try it again.

PETER: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.

DIRECTOR: No, damn it! Take 26!

[CUT BACK TO: FRONT YARD]

PETER: Yeah, then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant.

[CUTAWAY GAG: RESTAURANT]

Peter is wearing a security uniform and standing next to a salad bar. An old lady begins to sneeze, and Peter puts a gun to the old lady's head.

PETER: Take it outside, lady.

[CUT BACK TO: FRONT YARD]

PETER: Yeah, then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.

[CUTAWAY GAG: TALENT SHOW]

An announcer is standing onstage in front of an audience.

ANNOUNCER: And the prize goes to... The Von Trapp Family Singers!

Peter is seen holding a large tuba.

PETER: Oh, that is bull—

The audience begins applauding.

[CUT BACK TO: FRONT YARD]

BRIAN: Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent, but you might want to just tell Lois the truth.

PETER: What, that I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?

[CUTAWAY GAG: TIANANMEN SQUARE]

Three tanks are seen rolling down Tainanmen Square. A Chinese man pushes his hand forward in a signal to stop the tanks as Peter nervously stands next to him.

PETER: Aw, screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks!

Peter runs off.

[CUT BACK TO: FRONT YARD]

BRIAN: Peter, you can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later, she'll find out where you're really going every day.

PETER: Oh, yeah.

[CUTAWAY GAG: WHERE PETER IS GOING EVERY DAY]
Lois is sitting on the couch watching television. Peter is hiding near the door with a lamp on his head.

[CUT BACK TO: FRONT YARD]

PETER: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight.

[CUT TO: THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

The kitchen door opens, and Stewie walks in with a flashlight. He jumps forward and pulls out a grappling hook and aims it at the ceiling. As he is pulled up, the cupboard where Lois hid his mind control device comes into view. Stewie grabs the mind control device.

STEWIE: Victory is mine!

The rope on the grappling hook snaps, causing Stewie to fall to the ground.

LOIS: Peter, I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn.

Lois walks into the kitchen and turns on the light. Peter follows her.

PETER: You're spending money on food again? Lois, we just had dinner.

LOIS: Well you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?

PETER: Well, I just... Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but...

LOIS: What is it, Peter?

PETER: I... uh... you're getting kind of fat.

LOIS: What?

PETER: It's just... It's not healthy.

LOIS: Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?

PETER: Gee, man, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly.

LOIS: Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? Honey, you know, if there's something wrong, you can tell me.

Peter's angel pops up on his left shoulder.

PETER'S ANGEL: Hey uh, sorry man. Am I late. What did I miss?

PETER: Thank God you're here. What do I do?

A devil pops up on Peter's angel's right shoulder.

PETER'S ANGEL'S DEVIL: Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep.

PETER'S ANGEL: Oh, I don't know.

Peter's angel looks at his left shoulder.

PETER'S ANGEL: Hey, where's the other guy?

[CUT TO: ANGELIC HIGHWAY]

Peter's angel's angel is stuck in traffic.

PETER'S ANGEL's ANGEL: Ah, this is unbelievable!

[CUT BACK TO: THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

Stewie aims his mind control device at Lois.

STEWIE: Well, well, mother! We meet again!

LOIS: Stewie, I thought I tucked you an hour ago!

STEWIE: Not tightly enough, it would seem. And now, you contempible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny.

LOIS: You can play with your toys tomorrow, honey. Right now it's bedtime.

Lois puts the mind control device back into the cupboard and picks up Stewie.

STEWIE: Oh, blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

PETER: Sweet dreams, kiddo.

STEWIE: You have the power to end this!

Brian walks in and sits down with Peter at the kitchen table.

BRIAN: Hey, how'd she take it?

PETER: I told her she was fat.

Brian takes his newspaper and smacks Peter over the face with it.

BRIAN: No. No.

PETER: Look, I hate lying to Lois. It's just... It's the best way to keep her from knowing the truth.

BRIAN: Peter, you don't have a choice. Your unemployment is going to dry up soon. And she'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. You really oughta think of your family's welfare.

PETER: Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea!

[CUT TO: WELFARE OFFICES]

WELFARE EMPLOYEE: Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?

PETER: Uh... oh, I didn't have gas for the first time until I was thirty.

[CUTAWAY GAG: PETER HAVING GAS]
A thirty-year-old Peter is sitting in a beanbag chair and reading a newspaper. He breaks wind.

PETER: What the hell was that?

[CUT TO: FRONT YARD]

Peter runs up to Meg, Chris, and Brian. He's holding a check.

PETER: Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. Come on kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn.

BRIAN: Uh, how much are we getting?

PETER: Let's see... $150 a week.

MEG: Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal.

A close up of the check reveals that it's for $150,000.

PETER: Whoops.

[CUT TO: LOIS IN THE KITCHEN]

Lois is talking to someone on the phone.

LOIS: No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. I was giving a piano lesson.

Arrows fly by and hit the chair Lois is sitting in.

LOIS: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?

Stewie runs up to Lois. He is holding a crossbow.

STEWIE: Why don't you burn in hell?

LOIS: Well, no dessert for you, young man.

[CUT TO: CORNER OF THE STREET]

Peter and Brian are standing on the corner of a street. Brian is peeing into the fire hydrant.

PETER: Boy, who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?

BRIAN: This is why I don't vote.

PETER: Hey, maybe somebody down there was drinking, too.

[CUTAWAY GAG: PRESS INTERVIEW]

REPORTER: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?

Bill Clinton is shown at the podium holding a martini.

BILL CLINTON: Probably because you're so fat. Hahahaha!

[CUT BACK TO: CORNER OF THE STREET]

BRIAN: Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. That check is obviously an oversight.

PETER: Well, not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer.

BRIAN: What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week?

PETER: Yeah.

BRIAN: On what?

[CUT TO: FRONT YARD OF THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

The Griffin family is outside, all staring at the large statue in front of their home.

LOIS: Oh my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David?

PETER: No, I just rented it, but they're gonna be ticked. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car.

Peter holds up a large cement object and throws it. It goes through Mr. Weed's window. Mr. Weed picks up the object.

MR. WEED: I shall call you Eduardo!

The scene cuts away from Mr. Weed and goes back to the Griffins in their front yard.

LOIS: Peter, how can we afford this?

CHRIS: You're not going to believe it, Mom! Dad's getting—

PETER: A big raise!

LOIS: Peter, that's wonderful!

CHRIS: But, Dad, I thought—

PETER: The kind of a big raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, you guys. I'm going to buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.

[CUT TO: DRIVE-THRU]

The Griffins are in their car. Peter sticks his head out the window and begins ordering at the drive-thru.

PETER: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please.

CLERK: I beg your pardon?

Peter points to the chicken fajitas on the menu.

PETER: Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas.

BRIAN: And a So-Sage McBiscuit, please.

[CUT TO: THE GRIFFINS IN THEIR LIVING ROOM]

LOIS: Peter, what's the big surprise?

PETER: Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? Well, I got you your own jester!

Peter claps his hands and a jester walks into the living room.

JESTER: Hey guys, good to be here in New England. And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new.

[CUT TO: COSMETIC SURGERY]

The camera shows a sign saying "Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery", with "Because you're no prize" scribbled at the bottom. The camera then zooms into the waiting room, where Brian, Peter, Stewie, and Lois are sitting.

PETER: Ha, this is great. I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of.

Meg runs into the waiting room.

MEG: Thank you, Daddy!

Meg hugs Peter and kisses him on the cheek with her new lips.

LOIS: I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?

PETER: It makes him happy.

Chris walks into the room holding two breast implants in his hands.

CHRIS: Hey, these are cool!

[CUT TO: FRONT YARD OF GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

Lois is shown tending to flowers near a moat surrounding the house. A mailwoman walks up.

MAILWOMAN: When did you guys get a pool?

LOIS: Oh, it's a moat. I know it's silly, but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that we're rich.

MAILWOMAN: Does it work?

LOIS: Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay.

The Black Knight is shown at the other side of the moat with his horse sputtering.

MAILWOMAN: Well, congratulations on all your success. Here's your welfare check.

The mailwoman hands Lois the welfare check.

LOIS: What the—

Lois is interrupted by a foghorn noise from a small boat that Peter is driving. Chris and Meg waterskiing behind it.

PETER: Hi, honey.

Lois looks at Peter angrily.

PETER: What?

[CUT TO: LIVING ROOM]

Peter, Brian, and Lois are sitting on the couch in their living room.

PETER: Lois, I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was a gift for Peter.

LOIS: Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight.

PETER: Oh, no problem. We got the money to get that fixed... with enough left over for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedy's.

LOIS: You know, I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!

Lois stomps off.

PETER: Boy, she's pretty pissed.

BRIAN: Yeah, who would have thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?

PETER: What's the point in having a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you?

BRIAN: Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers.

PETER: Yeah, but I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it. I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about.

Peter thinks to himself.

PETER: We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one.

[CUT TO: SUPER BOWL]

JOHN MADDEN: The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!

PAT SUMMERALL: Uh, John, we're in commercial.

JOHN MADDEN: Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on!

John waves his hands in Pat's face.

JOHN MADDEN: Football!

A large blimp that says "Forgive Me Lois" flies over the football stadium. Peter is flying the blimp, and Brian is standing behind him, looking out the window.

BRIAN: Amazing. You can barely drive a car, and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?

PETER: Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South.

Peter grabs a sack of money.

PETER: Oh boy, I hope Lois is watching. Okay, taxpayers, here you go!

Peter begins throwing all of the money out of the blimp and onto the football field.

[CUT TO: ANNOUNCERS]

PAT SUMMERALL: Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John.

JOHN MADDEN: Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!

PAT SUMMERALL: I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp.

[CUT BACK TO: BLIMP]

PETER: Oh, man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these.

Peter pulls out a ball that says "Forgive me Lois" and is covered in spikes.

The football field is being rushed with people grabbing the money. The cheerleaders are doing flips and random people are fighting.

[CUT TO: ANNOUNCERS]

JOHN MADDEN: The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? Pat?

Pat runs back to his chair with wads of cash sticking out of his jacket.

PAT SUMMERALL: Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play.

JOHN MADDEN: I don't care what it is! This guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden touches his headset. Madden to Fox Security.

FOX SECURITY: Go ahead.

JOHN MADDEN: Take them down!

FOX SECURITY: Yes, sir.

One of the guards takes a gun hanging from the wall and fires twelve times at the blimp Peter is flying.

[CUT TO: JAIL]

Peter and Brian are in a jail cell together.

BRIAN: How was your shower?

PETER: Oh, I tell you Brian, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true.

BRIAN: Really?

PETER: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. It was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing.

Two prisoners walk by Peter and Brian's cell and point at Peter.

PRISONER 1: Hey, there's the guy that couldn't hold onto the soap.

PRISONER #2: Oh, that was classic.

Both prisoners laugh.

PETER: Oh boy, I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?

BRIAN: Oh come on, if every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl, no one would be married.

PETER: Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk.

Peter jumps onto the top bunk of the bed, causing the top bunk to fall on Brian.

[CUT TO: THE GRIFFINS' HOUSE]

Lois, Meg, Chris, and Stewie are in the kitchen.

MEG: Oh, the rest of my collagen is wearing off.

LOIS: Well honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.

CHRIS: What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?

LOIS: It means you're becoming a man. But hopefully not the kind who stayed out all day and doesn't call... like your father who shall remain nameless.

STEWIE: Hello, Mother.

LOIS: Well, hi there, sweetie.

STEWIE: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates.

Stewie pulls out a box.

STEWIE: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

Stewie opens the box, revealing six grenades.

STEWIE: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed.

LOIS: Oh, you just want your toy back. Okay, here you go, honey.

Lois places the mind control device on the box of grenades.

STEWIE: Yes! Well, victory is mine!

Stewie runs into the living room and the grenades blow up on him.

STEWIE: Ah, damn you all!

The kitchen phone rings, and Lois picks it up.

LOIS: Hello? Oh, my God!

[CUT TO: COURTHOUSE]

Lois, Meg, Chris, and Stewie walk into the courthouse and sit down.

PETER: Lois, ah man, am I glad to see you.

LOIS: I have nothing to say to you, Peter.

PETER: I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?

LOIS: Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter.

PETER: Really? Aw, let's hope the judge feels that way.

LOIS: Ugh.

JUDGE: This court will come to order.

The judge bangs his gavel and Peter goes up to the stand.

PETER: Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd catch their mistake. Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?

PETER: Well, I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode of "Different Strokes" was on. You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?

[CUTAWAY GAG: BIKE SHOP]

The old owner of the bike shop is bent over in front of Arnold and Dudley.

BIKE SHOP OWNER: Alright, now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

[CUT BACK TO: COURTHOUSE]

PETER: And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?

PETER: Oh yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop.

Everyone in the courthouse begins murmuring.

PETER: Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... I don't know. I just saw one chance I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife. And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey.

JUDGE: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

The judge bangs his gavel.

LOIS: Oh, no!

BRIAN: Oh, no!

CHRIS: Oh, no!

MEG: Oh, no!

The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall.

KOOL-AID MAN: Oh, yeah!

Everyone stares at the Kool-Aid Man..

The Kool-Aid Man slowly walks out through the hole he created in the wall.

LOIS: Excuse me, Your Honor?

JUDGE: Yes?

LOIS: Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. And he may even be downright stupid. But I know he only accepted that money because he wanted to be a good husband and father. But what he needs to remember is that we love him. And no matter what, I'll always stand by him.

PETER: I love you too, honey.

JUDGE: That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him!
Lois: What?

STEWIE: 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be, I'm completely dependant upon those wretched drones for sustenance. Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares against against the device!

Stewie pulls out his mind control device and points it at the judge.

JUDGE: Is that your boy?

PETER: What? Oh, uh, yeah. That's Stewie.

JUDGE: Gosh. I can't seperate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgemently. Aw hell, you've learned your lesson, right?

PETER: Yeah.

JUDGE: Alright. You're off the hook.

PETER: Oh, wow! Can you give me my job back?

JUDGE: No.

Stewie points the mind control device at the judge again.

JUDGE: Yes.

PETER: Alright!

[CUT TO: LIVING ROOM]

The Griffins are in the living room watching "Bloopers" on television.

[CUT TO: "BLOOPERS"]

ED: That was a crazy one, Dick.

DICK: It sure was, Ed. In this next blooper from "Joanie Loves Chachi", watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say "She sells seashells down by the seashore."

Bloopers shows a clip from "Joanie Loves Chachi".

ERIN: What does your mom do for a living?

SCOTT: She sells seashells down by the—

A bear jumps through the wall and attacks Scott Baio.

[CUT BACK TO: LIVING ROOM]

PETER: That is kind of a tongue twister.

LOIS: It's good to have you home, Peter.

PETER: Ah, honey, I knew everything would turn out okay.

MEG: I sure am gonna miss being rich.

PETER: Oh, don't worry. I got a way to get money.

BRIAN: Not another welfare scam?

PETER: No, no, no. Minority scholorship.

Peter puts on an afro wig. The frame freezes as Peter winks while giving a thumbs up sign. The credits begin rolling.

LOIS AND BRIAN: No.

STEWIE: Are you insane?

PETER: Okay, I mean, uh, sexual harassment suit.

Peter puts on a blonde wig and rips the front of his shirt.

BRIAN: No.

LOIS: I don't think so.

STEWIE: Absolutely outrageous.

PETER: Uh, okay, disability claim.

Peter pulls out a baseball bat and hits himself in the face, instantly knocking himself out.

CREDITS