Close your eyes, make a wish, picture your perfect woman
Now open your eyes and forget about her cause I’m here and I’m not it
And before we go any further
There’s a few things I’d like to admit

I’m a self-absorbed workaholic
My mind is always divided
My schedule is erratic, just like my thoughts
I’m easily depressed or overly excited whoo!

I can’t do anything around the house
If you want food you gotta cook it yourself
And if we stop having sex, I will leave
I have friends that give me everything else

I’ve got goals and dreams and aspirations
I’ve got shit to do
I’m not gonna change all my plans
Just to be with you

Yeah we’re a perfect couple
If you’re totally comfortable being alone
We’ll always be together
If it’s cool that I’m never home

If you like overcompensation for boundless insecurity
This is where it’s at
And if you notice I’ve been talking about myself this whole time
Well, get ready for more of that
And I’m like look at me look at me watch me watch me listen to me listen to this what do you think tell me the truth compliments only please
Oh man you really get me

I’m gonna make your dreams come true
As long as they don’t interfere with mine
I’ll always be here for you
For methodically allotted amounts of time
I’ll be there to hold your hand
If I happen to be in town
And any time you need me
There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

I know this all sounds bad
But you know what else is true
Every word that I just said
Could have also been describing you
Yes every word that I just said
Could have also been describing you

You just don’t feel don’t feel bad about it
It’s never even occurred to you
To not go after all the things
You’ve ever wanted to

You weren’t subconsciously conditioned
To give up your dreams for me
Or that loved and ambitious
Were mutually exclusive things to be
It probably didn’t cross your mind
That your mom had goals too
That had nothing to do with getting married
And nothing to do with having you

Can we stop pretending
That it isn’t kind of sad
That your mom never pursued anything
With the same intensity as your dad

And right now you’re thinking
Not my mom, that was her decision
Okay, sure, but all our moms
That’s what they all envisioned...

[Spoken word verse during the video]
Kate: 'You know whenever my mom...
Riki: Kate, no
Kate: Are you sure? Because she always...
Riki: Kate! No
Kate: What about Lesley's mom?
Riki: No Kate! None of the moms! None of the moms
Kate: None of the moms!

So therefore…
I’m gonna make your dreams come true
As long as they don’t interfere with mine
I’ll always be here for you
For methodically allotted amounts of time
I’ll be there to hold your hand
If I happen to be in town
And any time you need me
There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around


Look I’ll meet you halfway there
But I can’t give you more than that
And know it’s not as sweet of a deal
As every man ever before you had

All I want is 50/50
All I want is half
And if those numbers seem off to you
Why?

It doesn’t mean I won’t be your partner
It doesn’t mean I won’t come through
It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person
It just means I’m the same as you

So if you’re looking for an equal you found it
But if want someone better than you, try again
Cause I only have what it takes to be man
I’ve never had what it takes to be a woman