If, Mother washed her pinny
And father never swore,

If, Jimmy went to the loo
Instead of on the floor,

If, Our Sammy didn`t turn up
In his underpants for tea,

If, Our granddad would keep his flies done up
Phoo, that`s an awful sight to see,

If, Gran`s teeth refused to fall out
When she dropped off to sleep,

If, My sister didn`t steal my razor
This beard I wouldn`t keep,

If, That copper had only looked the other way
Our Robbie wouldn`t be spending time in jail today,

If, Our Lucy had bothered to learn the facts of life
Eight kids wouldn`t be here now causing so much strife,

If, We all stopped smoking fags
And swilling beer till we were sick

This family would be smart, very elegant and slick.