If Our Family

If, Mother washed her pinny

And father never swore,



If, Jimmy went to the loo

Instead of on the floor,



If, Our Sammy didn`t turn up

In his underpants for tea,



If, Our granddad would keep his flies done up

Phoo, that`s an awful sight to see,



If, Gran`s teeth refused to fall out

When she dropped off to sleep,



If, My sister didn`t steal my razor

This beard I wouldn`t keep,



If, That copper had only looked the other way

Our Robbie wouldn`t be spending time in jail today,



If, Our Lucy had bothered to learn the facts of life

Eight kids wouldn`t be here now causing so much strife,



If, We all stopped smoking fags

And swilling beer till we were sick



This family would be smart, very elegant and slick.