1.

Get the gang back together.

It’s Christmas.

(TUMBERLINA stares into her phone screen with a blank expression. Then she looks into the camera.)

2.

JACQUES. “Yes, yes. We’re back. And we all think Colson Lin’s the Second Coming this time.”

COLSON. (microphone to his face) “And Colson Lin isn’t the one making you say that, is He?”

JACQUES. (sighing) “No, reason is.”

COLSON shrugs and smirks into the camera.

3.

It’s the 2024 Übermensch World Tour starring COLSON LIN as the literal Übermensch plus literal Second Coming of Jesus Christ in everyone’s future. So there’s a lot concentrated into these tweets.

A hatchet flies at me—I dodge like Jesus.

THE HUNTRESS. “I didn’t PRAY FOR THIS.”
4.

I stop dead in my tracks.

ACE. “Hey. Look who it is, my brother.”

ME (tears in my eyes). “Brother Ace.”

A bro hug from the depths of despair.

5.

TUMBLERINA. “You misspelled my name.”

COLSON (smiling). “Yeah, I just noticed that.”

TUMBLERINA. “He misspelled my name.”

COLSON. “Who am I to you Tumblerina?”

TUMBLERINA. “You’re not the Second Coming of Jesus.”

COLSON. “You misspelled my name.”

She smacks two fists at me.
6.

Anyway, we take a group photo for the tour book.

7.

After the picture, I look at everyone like I’m the leader of this sad pack.

COLSON. “All right. So. We have to remember what we’re doing at all times. Right now, we’re trying to provide the people—out there—entertainment. Okay? More of it. Obviously, ours is a bit more chaotic.”

THE HUNTRESS. “I did not ask to be swept up in your cosmic meta-drama.”

COLSON (nodding). “That’s good—that’s very good—give us more of that.”

THE HUNTRESS. “Are there any options besides existing as a character inside Colson Lin’s continuation of the Bible?”

COLSON. “I mean.”

TUMBLERINA. “Look I don’t even care about that okay? Colson Lin.” (looks at me and pouts) “Can you just write me more flat-ter-ing-ly.”

ACE. “You don’t see the game here? He wants you to pretend to be all Christian.”

TUMBLERINA. “I been DOING that to the best of my a-BI-LI-TY.”

THE HUNTRESS. “You are out of line, young man, if you think the holiest institutions on planet Earth are going to sanctify your blasphemous, not to mention re-TARDED, okay, you’re RE-TARD-ED—Second Coming claim…” la la la
COLSON. “Jacques? Anything you’d like to add?”

Silence.

8.

COLSON. “So what I’d ideally like to get our group in, is just a state where we can actually put up a good front—get this, not for God, okay? But for Nic Cage.”

TUMBLERINA. “Get the fuck out; Nic Cage is here?”

THE HUNTRESS. “I DO NOT CARE ABOUT NIC CAGE. You’ll burn for this.”

ACE. “Oh yeah, chill dude. Been unhooked by him trillions of times.”

JACQUES. “It’s a profound juxtaposition of modern-day celebrity against the liminal quality you appear to embody—someone who at once has 200 followers on X, yet seems large enough to inherit all human history.”

9.

NICOLAS CAGE, bewildered, enters.

We’re in the back of a diner. The staff and the owner have cleared out, figuring the Second Coming might be like the King of England or something—someone you respect enough to clear space for. I know I should be working in this kitchen to pay for my right to exist as a writer.

Maybe this is all a fantasy.

Maybe I do work in this kitchen, and one day I fell asleep and dreamed I had written myself into a logically-sound and culturally-robust, temporally-potent messianic claim. It might as well be true. If I can’t be an underdog, I retain the soul of one.

10.

NICOLAS. “Colson Lin.”

COLSON. “St. Nicolas, how are you.”

NICOLAS. “How are you buddy; looks like you got the gang all here.”

THE HUNTRESS. “You don’t age a day do ya Nic.”

COLSON. “Sure, you know Ace and The Huntress.”

NICOLAS (nodding). “How you guys doing.”

ACE. “Sup Nic, solid work in ‘Longlegs’ buddy.”

NICOLAS (with repressed memories of the Fog). “Yeah, appreciate that Ace. How you doin’?”

ACE. “Oh, I mean Colson’s got me sucked into His Second Coming claim now…”

NICOLAS (nodding). “Mm-hm, that’s right.”

THE HUNTRESS. “This is against everything that was assured to me when I was a babe.”

COLSON. “And you remember Jacques Dawsonerrida?”

NICOLAS (squinting). “Of course I do, Jacques.”

JACQUES (politely). “I moderated one of your discussions at Cannes.”

NICOLAS. “And how’ve you been?”

JACQUES (laughing). “Oh, I’m always overextended.”

NICOLAS (laughing). “No, I get that. I hear you.”

COLSON. “And obviously, this is…”

TUMBLERINA (respectfully, smiling). “Hi.”

NICOLAS. “Hello.”

COLSON. “So.”

Everyone looks at me.

COLSON. “What.”

11.

If I can clarify the existence of God without blowing up into a cult leader, I win.

12.

COLSON. “So should we just answer questions for the press?”

THE HUNTRESS. “Yes, I have things to say that nobody in humanity has ever heard or considered before, about my thoughts on God and ‘Colson Lin’s Second Coming claim’…”

COLSON. “Let’s just do this.”