[BRIAN]
You won't sleep on your tummy

[JOE]
You won't sleep on your back

[BOTH]
We're quite a kooky couple, you'll agree

[BRIAN]
We share some hands and fingers

[JOE]
And yet, the feeling lingers

[BOTH]
We're just about as different
As anyone can be...

[JOE]
You like plotting a garden
And I like plotting to kill

[BRIAN]
You think that you should rule the world
I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fire is swell
[JOE]
Pushing people in is fun as well
I like folding all my ties

[BRIAN]
And you have no friends
Hey, that's a surprise

[BOTH]
I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're different, different as can be

[JOE]
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl!
I'm the darkest of lords

[BRIAN]
I'm the brightest professor here
I've won several awards!

[JOE]
My new world is about to unfold

[BRIAN]
You got beat by a two-year-old
[JOE]
I'll kill him this time through and through

[BRIAN]
Or you might just give him another tattoo

[BOTH]
You really must agree
When you look at you and me
We're different, different as can-

[JOE]
I'll rise again and I'll rule the world
But you must help me renew
For when our plan succeeds-

[BRIAN]
Prevails!

[JOE]
Part of that world goes to you

[BRIAN]
When I rule the world, I'll plant flowers

[JOE]
When I rule the world, I'll have snakes
[JOE & BRIAN]
And goblins and thestrals, a fleet of dementors (and Jane Austen novels!)
And giants and werewolves and all my death-eaters!

[BOTH]
When I rule the world!
Ha ha ha!

I guess it's plain to see
When you look at you and me
We're different, different as can be
We simply guarantee
When you look and you and me
We're different, different as can be

[BRIAN]
It's a comedy of sorts
When you're bound to Voldemort

[JOE, spoken]
Stop it

(sung)
And I'm happy as a squirrel
As long as I'm with Mr. Quirrell

[BOTH]
We'll lead him to the slaughter
And we'll murder Harry Potter
We're different, different
Different, different as can be