[FATHER (MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SON, AND GRANDPA)]
Good mornin!
(Good mornin!)
We stand before the journey
That leads us all
To Oregon
(To Oregon)
A pioneer adventure
Down the trail
To Oregon
[MOTHER, DAUGHTER, AND SON (GRANDPA)]
To Oregon! (To Wisconsin!)
[FATHER, spoken]
Grandpa?
[GRANDPA, spoken]
What? My legs hurt.
[FATHER]
By God's command
We dare to land in-
[GRANDPA]
Wisconsin!
[FATHER, spoken]
We're going to Oregon, Grandpa.
[GRANDPA, spoken]
Well, I want to go to Wisconsin!
[FATHER]
The promised land will not wait for us
We leave our home with faith and trust
We'll find the place of our destiny
And spread our family seed
[MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SON, GRANDPA]
We'll find the place of our destiny
And spread our family seed
[FATHER]
Now the show begins...
[ALL]
Aauuhhmm....
[FATHER]
Now our journey begins
In the 1800s
In a little city in Missouri
Before we start
You decide on the names
Of all the people in our wagon party
You must decide who these pioneers are
Are they carpenters or bankers or leavin their farm?
It's time to spin a personal yarn
[MOTHER]
Carefully choose each name
Cause this is more than a game
[ALL]
It's more than a game
Oh, yeah, it's more than a game
No two shows will ever be the same
[MOTHER]
My first pioneer will be President Polk
I know he'd be a good leader of the wagon
[FATHER]
Good job now, dear, that's what we're goin for
You'd be extra careful not to kill him
[SON]
I think I would use my mom and dad's names of course
So I'll make sure they'll never get divorced
[FATHER]
That might be too much information
But hey, it's great to have a personal connection
[DAUGHTER]
I would make my family rich
They'd be bankers from New York
[FATHER, spoken]
Good.
[SON]
Richie, Johnny, Emily and Peter and Sue
Their bank fell down and now they're poor
[FATHER]
That's great kids
Keep up the good work
[MOTHER]
Hey, Grandpa
What would your names be?
[GRANDPA]
Oh, well let me tell ya:
Dick-suck, Dickface, Hairytit, and Dr. Buttnugget
[FATHER, spoken]
Grandpa, the hell is that supposed to mean?
[GRANDPA, spoken]
What?
They're names!
[FATHER, spoken]
Hairytit?
Grandpa, you're seeing a bad example for our pioneers here
You're going to make them think it's a good idea to name their wagon party stupid things
[GRANDPA, spoken]
Well, they should
[ALL]
We are gone to Oregon
It's the greatest family vacation
It'll bring us together
Couldn't think of nothin better
Hey! Time for some family fun
On the trail to Oreg-un
[FATHER, spoken]
Okay pioneers, what do you say?
What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Jack Bauer!
[FATHER, spoken]
Jack Bauer?
I like the sound of that!
(sung)
I'm Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois
All my skills will be useless on the trail
My beautiful family is counting on me
A lot of pressure, I can't afford to fail
(spoken)
Alright pioneers, now what would you like to name your wagon mother?
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Slippery-When-Wet!
[FATHER, spoken]
Oh, that is Slippery-When-Wet
That is super sexy
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Yeah!
[MOTHER]
I'm Slippery-When-Wet and I'm a mother of two
Could've been a banker, guess a farmer will do
Why did you get to choose?
[FATHER, spoken]
Well honey, I don't know if you know this but, uh, I wrote the show
That's just how this one goes
[MOTHER, spoken]
Yeah, but we're not going to get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers
[FATHER, spoken]
Alright, honey!
Well, no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngins
The eldest of which is Slippery-When-Wet and Jack Bauer's teenage daughter
What would you like to name her?
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Mouthface!
[DAUGHTER, spoken]
Mouthface? I'll take it!
[FATHER, spoken]
And what about our all-American son with a face of an apple pie?
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Craphole!
[SON, spoken]
Craphole? That sounds nice!
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Yeah!
[SON]
Craphole, yeah that's me
I'm seven and I'm male
[DAUGHTER]
Mouthface, is what my friends call me
I'm lookin for love on the trail
[SON, spoken]
Ew gross!
[DAUGHTER, sung]
I hope you're bit by a snake!
[SON]
I hope you break your back!
[FATHER]
Hey, I found wild fruit!
[SON]
Pay attention, Dad!
[DAUGHTER]
We gonna stop at the forts?
[FATHER]
I forgot to shave
[MOTHER]
Did we bring enough food?
[GRANDPA]
Can I write on Grandpa's grave?
[MOTHER]
Everyone just behave!
[FATHER]
Because it's only a game
[ALL]
It's only a game
I guess it's only a game
The Trail To Oregon is nothing but a game
We'll be there soon in Oreg-oon
Honestly it beats milking cow tits
We could be in the kitchen
Doing something with a chicken
But we couldn't give less of a crap
Cause we're making it to Oreg-ap
[FATHER, spoken]
Alright, pioneers - let's get a move on
[GRANDPA, spoken]
Hey, wait a minute you shicken-kit son of a bitch!
You forgot my name!
[FATHER, spoken]
How could I forget?
What would you like to name our lovely grandpa?
["AUDIENCE", spoken]
Titty-mitty!
[GRANDPA, spoken]
Titty-mitty?!
I like that name
[FATHER, spoken]
Of course you do
[ALL, sung]
It's time to run to Oreg-un
It's too late to change the show now
You could go next door
And see something professional
We wouldn't blame you a bit
If you're sitting through this Ore-shit
We're Broadway bound in Oreg-ound
Cause there's no Broadway in Chicago
Who will forget their name
And who will get the YouTube fame?
These are questions to ask
When you're playing Oreg-ask...
It's more than a game...
Life is really great...
On the trail to Oreg-ate
