I'm a sinister elf with a sinister plan
Santa's little helper with too much time on my hands
He's got a fine lookin' wife for such an old man
I can see her lookin' at me when there's no one else around

And I'm countin' down the days to December 24th
The old man's in his sleigh, I'm sneakin' in the back door
She asks if I know what the candy cane is for
While he's slidin' down the chimney, I'll be comin' back for more

Not really worried 'bout the old man findin' out
'Cause me and Rudolph worked the whole thing out
It's not about vengeance or anything like that
I just want a little sex and the old man off my back

Rudy's out for blood 'cause he hates the fat old man
'Cause he caught him in the stables with his fat little hands
On a female reindeer he likes named Wynona
And the last thing that he wants is to see is Santa on her

So we're loadin' up the toy sack with heroin and crack
We'll send Santa off to Georgia and he ain't comin' back
And we call up an evil green Grinch, we'll tell him Santa's holdin'
And they'll have him on the chain gang and the electric chair
The electric chair
And there'll be a happy ending, all you girls and all you boys
There won't be no more Santa, there won't be no more toys
There'll be no stoppin' Rudy and Wynona
And I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' kimono

I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' kimono
I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' kimono
I'll be taking off Mrs. Claus' kimono
Merry Christmas