JAY
What to say about this piece of work? Fuck if I don't find myself without the right words. Me, as gifted a golden throat as any of you cocksuckers, being loose from religion, are ever likely to hear. What can I say about the dearly departed? I mean really?

BUNK
He died young. Too young.

NORRIS
Under 40 years old.

CARVER
Though had he lived his dick would've been 134.

JAY
Shut up. It's coming to me. He was the black sheep. The permanent pariah. He asked no quarter of the bosses and none was given. He learned no lessons. He acknowledged no mistakes. He was as stubborn a Mick as ever stumbled out of the Northeast parishes to take a patrolman's shield. He brooked no authority, he did what he wanted to do and he said what he wanted to say and, in the end, he gave you the clearances. He was natural police.

BUNK
Yes he was.

JAY
And I don't say that about many people, even when they're here on the felt. I don't give that one up unless it happens to be true. Natural po-lice.

[Fake tears.]

JAY
But Christ, what an asshole. And I'm not talking about the ordinary gaping orifice that all of us possess. I mean an all-encompassing, all-consuming, out-of-proportion-to-every-other-facet-of-his-humanity chasm. From whose bourn, if I may quote Shakespeare, no traveler has ever returned.

JIMMY
What the fuck did I do?

BUNK
Shut the fuck up! You're dead to us now!

[Lester enters]

BUNK
Oh! Here's his partner in crime!

LESTER
Now, now! Be gentle! Be gentle! I'm a civilian now.

BUNK
Your papers went in, huh?

LESTER
Yeah, this afternoon. 32 years.

SHARDENE
And four months.

LESTER
[Looking at Jimmy.] Who-hoo. Y'all did a fine job with him, you did. You look to be about 10 years younger than I remember.

BUNK
C'mon, there's enough room for both of you to be laying out.

LESTER
Nah, nah, one at a time! You don't crowd a man at his own wake.

JIMMY
C'mon Lester, come and snuggle.

LESTER
That's our secret Jimmy. I got Shardene with me.

JAY
If you gentlemen will spare us this unfortunate homoerotic lapse, I will conclude my elegiac remarks.

BUNK
Then do it, ya gabby motherfucker!

JAY
To conclude! To conclude I say, he gave us 13 years on the line. Not enough for a pension, but enough for us to know that he was...

[Background: "PUT THE FUCKING SONG ON, HUGH!"]

JAY
Despite his negligible Irish ancestry, his defects of personality, and his inconstant sobriety and hygiene, a true murder police. Jimmy, I say this seriously: If I was laying there dead on some Baltimore street corner, I'd want it to be you, standing over me, catching the case.

DOZERMAN
[Cough] Bullshit!

JAY
Because brother, when you were good, you were the best we had.

BUNK
Shit, if you were lying there dead on some corner, it was probably Jimmy that done ya.

JAY
Fuck you! If you caught the case, you'd be standing there pissing in my ear!

[Song starts: The Pogues, "The Body of an American."]