One day I saw a worm on the sidewalk
Making its little way across the pavement
And I thought
"Man, it's gonna get stepped on on the concrete...
I need to save it."
So I took out a credit card
And then a second credit card
And used those to scoop the worm up
To dump it in the grass in a nearby yard
It started flailing, fidgeting and twitching
Pitching a conniption fit like it thought I was a pigeon
I watched it convulse and twist and thought
"What kind of pathetic defense is this?
Honestly, has it ever occurred
That a squirming worm has deterred a determined bird?"
And I shook my head as it jerked and thrashed
And then I set it down in the grass

So, I say "You're welcome, worm" -
Both for moving you to safety
And for letting you think your flopping scared me off
Thus allowing you to escape me
You must have felt like a bad mamma-jamma, kid
Tougher than Rambo in his bandanna did
Worm, you're welcome for letting you believe
You were the Jean-Claude Van Damme of the annelids
Oh! You're welcome, worm, you're welcome, worm. (x2)
I was deep in these thoughts as I walked on
Chuckling condescendingly
And I didn't look both ways as I hit the crosswalk
I just stepped out non-attentively and then SCREECH!
I barely escaped being struck by a truck
But I was hit with an epiphany:
I had laughed at the worm thinking it could fight fate
But could I control my destiny any differently?
Till then I'd been thinking that I
Was in a different league than the pink little guy
But I now had more than an inkling that either of us
Could be crushed in the blink of an eye
Whether by a pair of Nikes or a bus
Tomorrow isn't promised for either of us
And although we're dissimilar, we're the same, too
Then the truck honked, and I came to

And I say thank you, worm
You showed me humility
Yes, your vulnerability reminds me
Of my mortality and fragility
And now I'm doing what I can to rid
Myself of an ego as big as a gigantic squid
You enlightened me, worm
You are the Siddhartha Gautama of the annelids
Oh! I thank you, worm, I thank you, worm. (X2)
[spoken]
So that's basically the end of the song...
But ladies, I will say that I am recently single...
So here's a few takeaways for you
First of all, I'm kind and sensitive, I care about animals;
Two, I'm deep and philosophical;
And three, I have more than one credit card