Suppose one day in Bromley, Kent
I live my nightmare and I'm sent
To sing for blonde suburban women
Before the wives of double-glazers
I'd be Julio Inglesias
Doing the greats in Argentinian

Suppose they Barry Manilow me
Screaming "Show me you're a man"
With legs as mottled as salami
Ladies, I'm doing the best I can
This is how Casanova's bum
Becomes a lesson in virility
Set to a bossanova drum
And sung to tarts decked out like Christmas trees

Then in my dressing room I'd see
This elephant as pink as me
Drinking and singing gloomily
About the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me
About the time they called me Nicky

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me
If I could only be cute, cute, cute
Absolutely banal
Suppose one evening in Mauritius
Entertaining high officials
High on whores and marijuana
Begging letters from celebrities
Begging "Couldn't you write songs for me?"
I'd blackmail David Bowie and the Dalai Lama

And I'd be an industrialist of song
And I could sell you with a wink
The best in showbiz and in drink
Korean floorshows and whiskey from the Congo
Me, I'd have a ring on every finger
And a thumb in every state
And every state would be the singer's
And acknowledged, I would legislate

Then in my Hong Kong opium den
Waiting for 1999
I'd spend the years of my decline
Do you remember the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me
The time they called me Nicky

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me
If I could only be cute, cute, cute
Absolutely banal
Suppose one day in paradise
I find myself, to my surprise
Singing for ladies, flapping swans wings
A-plucking on my little harp
I'd be a beacon in the dark
And save the souls of human beings

Then Jesus Christ is how they'd christen me
Son-of-the-one-in-the-directory
Between Vic and Jean-Luc Godard
And I'd grow my beard and walk on water
And if I really came on strong
And started prancing and Cliff Richard-ing
I'd know that it wouldn't be too long
Before I heard the shadows whispering

How Satan's come in from the cold
He's now the shepherd and his fold
They're shouting out requests for oldies
From the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me
Yeah the time they called me Nicky

If I could be him for only an hour
If I could be him before his grand finale
If I could be me
If I could only be cute, cute, cute
Absolutely banal
He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love alright
Who could fall asleep at night

He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love alright
If he could fall asleep

He could fall asleep at night
He could fall in love alright
If he should love that other star