Ye married a monk, ye married a moose
Ye married a carey-on roond the hoose
A roon the hoose a roon the hoose
Let's all a carey on roon the hoose

Ye married a boy who'd never been kissed
Married a god who didn't exist
Ye married a wally, ye married a ghost
Ye married a strangler, deaf as a post

So jig the jig and waltz the waltz
Polka polka through the halls
Festoon yer room wi sprigs of gorse
Let's get married and let's divorce

Married a stripper, ye married a tease
Ye married a circus and all the fleas
Ye married the hunchback doon on his knees
Ye married johnny heed in the breeze

Ye married a fox, ye married a minx
Ye married a smarmy skinny malink
Ye married the man with the handicap
That put St Andrews on the map

Ye married the scheemie, ye married the radge
Ye married the boy with a Pastels badge
Ye married a moron name o' Gordon
Then ye married a traffic warden
Ye married the man ye love to hate
Ye hated him, weil, from the first date
Married a murderer on the Monday
You'll be oot or dead by sunday

Ye married the playa, ye married the game
Ye married the whole of the fitba team
Ye married the drunk with the Special Brew
Married the captain and all his crew

Ye married a cower and timorous beastie
Married a cunt all sloppy and yeasty
Married a bent copper and then
Married them all over again

Ye married the baker, the butcher, the creep
Ye married the shepherd and all of his sheep
Ye married the corporal and his wife
Ye married the cooper, the cooper o' Fife

Ye've made a mistake, it's plain as a rose
Plain as the brain at the end of yer nose
Plain as the sneeze, the sneeze on yer face
To marry them all was a big mistake

Ye married too young, ye married a ginger
Married a minger and whipped a whinger
Married a moose whose heed was thrawn
Annulled the marriage on saturday morn
Ye married a monk, ye married a moose
Married a carey-on roond the hoose
A roon the hoose, a roon the hoose
Let's all a carey on roon the hoose

Ye married a glaikit football stag
Ye married a man with a wank mag
Ye married a tool, ye married a knife
Ye married the man who beat his wife

So jig the jig and waltz the waltz
Polka polka through the halls
Festoon yer room wi sprigs of gorse
Let's get married and let's divorce

Ye married a creep, ye married a ghoul
Ye married a neep o' the Glesga school
Ye married a less-than-a-tinker's cuss
Divorce is the thing, the thing for us

So clear yer tears and don't ye greet
West is heed and East is feet
And never the twain shall marry or meet
So never ye tarry and never ye greet

Ye married the cat, ye married the dog
Married them both in the eyes of god
Sixteen men who died of flu
Then you married the undertaker too