[JASON]
Dot Nardoni, Tiffany Axelrod
Zoe Feinstein, Angelina Dellibovi
Bunny Doyne, or what's her name
Mo Cristofaro
And Ellie Mazie Rosenthal's really well built
When Heather Levin stares at me
Why do I wilt?
I like when Julie Johnson
Does splits in her kilt

Of these girls
Which should I invite to my bar mitzvah?
I've a problem to flaunt:
I don't want the girls I should want

[His family cheers him on at the baseball game.]

[COMMENTATOR]
Batter up!

[JASON]
I want girls for whom I lust
Girls who wear a lot of makeup
Girls who smoke and show their bust
Girls with whom I always wake up—
[COMMENTATOR]
Strike one!

[JASON]
Would they come though
If they were invited?
And not laugh at my Hebrew
And not laugh at my father and his friends?

[COMMENTATOR]
Strike two!

[JASON]
Excluding them, I find exciting
And I'm left with them, I'll be inviting
Selecting girls for one's bar mitzvah
God, that's the miracle of Judaism

[COMMENTATOR]
Strike three, you're out!

[JASON]
That'd be the miracle of Judaism