"This is a special moment right now
We'd like to take this time to tell all the kids at home, send the parents out of the room, this is a kids' song."

Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right now

"Hey, if you know the words, sing along!"

You're gonna have to mow the lawn
Do the dishes, make your bed
You're gonna have to go to school
Until you're seventeen

"It's gonna seem about three times as long as that."

You might have to go to war
Shoot a gun, kill a nun
You might have to go to war
When you get out of school

"Hey cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse!"

You're gonna have to deal with stress
Deal with stress, deal with stress
You're gonna be a giant mess
When you get back from the war
Santa Claus does not exist, and there is no Easter Bunny
You'll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny, funny, funny
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Life's gonna suck when you grow up
When you grow up, when you grow up
Life's gonna suck when you grow up
It sucks pretty bad right now

You're gonna end up smoking crack
On you're back, face the fact
You're gonna end up hooked on smack
And then you're gonna die

And then you're gonna die

"Song for the kids."
"Well, I think I smell a lawsuit in that one; what do you think?"