[Intro]
Uh, any— any of the song— all the songs on this tape
Anybody can do anytime they want to starting now
But, um, this one
This next song here called "Talking Plane Disaster" is a
Sort of special song for me and I need it
And I might—
I hope to use it to make a record in, uh, New York when I get back
So I wish nobody would do— do this song
At least for about a month and a half or two months from now
And, uh, this is what? What's today's date?
Uh (Today's the fifth of April)
Fifth of April, you know, about a month and a half or so
To wait for it
This is a real crowd pleaser, "Talking Plane Disaster"
Just wrote this when I got in Fort Lauderdale
I took a plane down to Miami and, um
I'm deathly afraid of planes, I discovered
Jet planes, so here's a, my recount of the trip
A little exaggerated, but it captures the basic image of 'em all

[Verse 1]
Well, once I heard some people say
If you gotta travel, there's just one way
You gotta leave the ground, you gotta fly through the air
You gotta find a pilot and pay your fare
You gotta sail through the sky
In an automatic bird
[Verse 2]
Yes, statistics show it's the way to go
It's safer than your car, you know
Well, it's safer than your home, it's safer than your street
It's safer than anywhere you put your feet
Statistics don't lie
But statistics don't die, either

[Verse 3]
Well, once I heard a feller say
You gotta take a train, it's the only way
Well, accidents don't happen to trains at all
There was just one accident he could recall
A plane crashed into it
People flying in all directions

[Verse 4]
Well, one day when the sky was blue
I boarded a plane and off we flew
I tightened my seat belt, gritted my teeth
I was strapped so tight, I could hardly breathe
My lungs was gaspin' for air
My eardrums was gaspin' for a depressurizer

[Verse 5]
Then one of them stewardesses ambled by
And suddenly, I wasn't afraid to die
She brought me coffee, pillows and tea
Said we're as safe as we could be
Said there's nothing to worry about
Then she flew out the door somebody forgot to close right
[Verse 6]
Then the plane dropped down about a mile or two
She lurched about, I swore I was through
She was twistin' and turnin' like a dog in heat
I was strapped so tight, I could— no, she was—
She was twistin' and turnin' like a dog in heat
I was searchin' for a bible beneath my seat
Pilot said we hit an air pocket
Must've been a pocket with a mighty big hole in it

[Verse 7]
Well, at last the trip was near the end
The airport was comin' around the bend
But all my unfortunate eyes could see
Was a thousand planes in the vicinity
They was landin' and leavin' and wavin' at each other
Wing to wing and brother to brother
The pilot was swearin' and swervin' around
But he said, "Don't worry, we got radar on the ground"
I wasn't worried
I was crawlin' up the aisle screamin' "Jesus saves"

[Verse 8]
Well, the trip didn't do me too much harm
But I did spend a year on the happy farm
Well, they couldn't understand why I kissed the ground
Chewed the concrete, swallowed it down
Sure tasted good
Like safe ground should