Shoppin' around for a Christmas tree
At the grocery parking lot
Everything awful [?] four-foot-threes
'Bout a hundred bucks a pop
Shleppin' around for a Christmas tree
And I still haven't found a thing
In a trailer I met some drunken guy
And we did some haggling

People get that ornamental feeling every year
Moms and dads and kids are happy
'Til they get their hands all scratched and sappy

Shoppin' around the Christmas trees
What a crappy holiday
Today they smell so fresh and green
They'll be dead on Christmas day

You will get that ornamental feeling every year
When you find a tree that looks real jolly
If you turn it 'round it's brown as Charlie's

Choppin' down my Christmas tree
In the true old-fashioned way
Toppin' it off with a spotted owl
And make a hasty getaway