It’s a moonlit night and to me it feels right
If it’s wrong, somebody will say
I’m just doing what I think’s best
Though I may have got carried away
Never was it my intention
To cause a hullaballoo
So ask not what you can do for me
‘Cos I’ve already done it for you

In a Suffolk ditch
That’s where I put the continuity announcer
In a Suffolk ditch
I watched his credits roll
In a Suffolk ditch
I blathered over his privations
In a Suffolk ditch
Complete remote control

There are no voices in my head
I don’t need a half-bottle of Scotch
I’m helping out where I see fit
It’s kind of like a Neighbourhood Watch
Truly is it my presumption
These deeds are just
But now the officеr wants more details
About my wanderlust
In a Suffolk ditch
If you’rе looking for the singer’s paintings
In a Suffolk ditch
The odd-job man who never got back
In a Suffolk ditch
Kelvin MacKenzie
In a Suffolk ditch
In a second-hand hessian sack

Expecting commendation
Imagine my surprise
When they dragged me to the station
For a word to the wise
It’s not illegal
It’s in the Bible
St. Augustine is a grass
Timothy too

In a Suffolk ditch
The seven coats that were hanging on the newel post
In a Suffolk ditch
The ukuleles outside Sports Direct
In a Suffolk ditch
I found a space for your installation
In a Suffolk ditch
You’ll never see Nicholas Witchell ever again
In a Suffolk ditch
In a Suffolk ditch
In a Suffolk ditch, yeah
In a Suffolk ditch, come on
In a Suffolk ditch, doing this on a weekly basis
In a Suffolk ditch, you should come along
In a Suffolk ditch, let loose the endorphins
In a Suffolk ditch, it’s the new beach tidy-up