[Verse 1]
It's a typical day in the universe
Another MC spits a puny verse
I try to get through my day without sayin' a curse
Because I curse too much and such and such

I try to improve my vocabulary
I try to cut out eatin' meat and dairy
I wanna bring back the days of the tooth fairy
'Cause I lost my innocence

I'm young and dumb and old and wise at the same time
'Cause I know Jesus was a rock star
And it was Elvis who turned water into wine (water into wine)
I wanna save a kangaroo from a life in a zoo, I wanna own a llama
I want less drama in my life
I think I really wanna be a happy housewife

[Chorus]
I got 28 butts in the ashtray
I gotta pace myself, I'm smokin' like a chimney
Another bottle of whiskey has been emptied
I know you wouldn't put it past me

I really know how to party, reminisce about the day
When I was swiggin' my Bacardi
28 butts in the ashtray because it's just me
Keepin' myself company
[Verse 2]
I think back all the days I was smokin Kerouac
It was really kinda like an addiction, non fiction
Just readin my days and nights away
I used to pray to a funny little fat man
Til I found out he was Santa Claus
'Cause Saint Nick never brought shit
And there I go cursin' again

I'm my only friend and I'm definitely
My very worst enemy
It kinda triggers a memory
Let's bring it back to '83
When I ate a watermelon, swallowed the seeds
Suddenly there was a watermelon growin' in my tummy
I skipped a jump rope, every time I jumped up
I heard a rattle that sounded like a tambourine

[Chorus]
I got 28 butts in the ashtray
I gotta pace myself, I'm smokin' like a chimney
Another bottle of whiskey has been emptied
I know you wouldn't put it past me

I really know how to party, reminisce about the day
When I was swiggin' my Bacardi
28 butts in the ashtray because it's just me
Keepin' myself company
[Verse 3]
Hey mama, are you proud of me?
I applied for a job at MickeyD's
I gotta do somethin with my life
Because my idle time is eatin' me like
I'm a super sized french fry
Drenched in ketchup, fry another batch up
But I know I taste better than that
Like they used to taste before they outlawed trans fat

[Chorus]
I got 28 butts in the ashtray
I gotta pace myself, I'm smokin' like a chimney
Another bottle of whiskey has been emptied
I know you wouldn't put it past me

I really know how to party, reminisce about the day
When I was swiggin' my Bacardi
28 butts in the ashtray because it's just me
Keepin' myself company