[Intro: Noel Fielding]
It was Christmas Eve, and all was sleeping. All but The Loose Tapestries, who were writing a Christmas song. A new kind of Christmas song, that could be inhaled like a gas or sprinkled into the eyes of sleeeping children. Drunk on egg nog, this bombastic minstrels slipped down chimneys and pumped their new song into every turkey in England. This was their gift to the nation. For they were Loose Tapestries!

[Chorus: Serge Pizzorno]
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
It’s coming… coming… boom!

[Serge Pizzorno]
Christmas, Christmas

[Verse 1: Noel Fielding]
Heave ho! You never can tell
Delivering gifts to the children’s faces
London town covered in snow
Pocket full of mistle toe
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!

[Serge Pizzorno]
Christmas, Christmas

[Verse 2: Noel Fielding]
Heave ho! You never can tell
Riding through the streets on the Christmas turkey
Baby Judas putting on the show
Pocket full of Haribo
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pum!
[Pre-Chorus: Noel Fielding]
Aaa!
And let all the children sing:

[Chorus: Serge Pizzorno]
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
It’s comming… comming… boom!
And I know that Christmas is coming!
And I know that Christmas is coming!
And I know that Christmas is coming!
It’s coming… coming… wooh!

[Verse 3: Serge Pizzorno]
Thank you for the joystick
Thank you for the socks
Thank you for the Rolex
Thank you for the yacht
But this stationery - it be going in the dustbin!
I’m gonna work hard on my body
Gonna work hard in the night
I just want to thank you, baby
For this blue exercise bike
But by february I’ll be tapping up your sister!
[Chorus: Serge Pizzorno]
I can’t wait for Christmas to come! Wooh!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come! Wooh!
I can’t wait for Christmas to come!
It’s coming… coming… wooh!
Gonna wear my new Christmas trainers!
Gonna wear my new Christmas trainers!
Gonna wear my new Christmas trainers!
Trainers… trainers… wooh!

[Verse 4: Noel Fielding]
Heave ho! You never can tell
Snowball fight with the local hard man
Heave ho! How was I to know?
Picking up my teeth in a decorated caravan
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
It’s a terrible blow
From the local hot head
Ding dong! It feels so wrong
Running through the soot
In the naked frenzy
Ding dong! It feels so good
To cover my body
In a bucket of goose fat
And my wife is a walnut
She’s a Christmas walnut!
[Verse 5: Me Innit]
Ayo the Christmas lights
Looking proper pox
Got some boxer shorts
And a pair of socks
Last year
This year I want the new Xbox
Singing
(All I want for Christmas you)
Now I’m feeling jolly
Sipping on the Baileys
I’m high and down
When I’m looking for the BBQ
Pull on my cracker smoke
A little piece of dough
Oh, my little helpers
Help me

[Outro: Noel Fielding]
And let all the children sing:
La, la, la, la, la, la...