[Narrator]
And now, a hip-hop newsbreak with Chuck Taylor

[Chuck Taylor]
Good evening, I'm Chuck Taylor. It's been a very busy day in the news. A lot has happened. A Staten Island man is listed in stable condition tonight after a brutal assault by rapper Method Man following an argument. The victim addressed the press earlier today.

[Tron]
It was torture. Straight torture, son. First, he put my nuts on the dresser. Was crazy, just my nuts! Then he banged them shits with a spiked bat, like "BOW!" (pans out to a pool of blood on and around Tron's nuts)

[Tron]
Then, he sewed my asshole shut. Kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me! This all took place in the slums of Shaolin. There was the RZA, the GZA, the Ol' Dirty Bastard, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Inspectah Deck and, of course, the Method Man.

[Chuck Taylor]
The victim also said that at one point during the altercation, Method Man put a hanger on the stove and left it for, like, 40 minutes, and that he stuck it in his ass real slow. Like, (sizzling noises). At this point, Method Man is still at large, so stay tuned to News Channel 3 for this and other stories. I'm Chuck Taylor.