Some people just canât get over themselves. Gay people have a hard time doing that recently. Here we go.
Here comes the deep water.
No, recently Iâve noticed that. I noticed it with that Manny Pacquiao controversy. Yeah, it wasâ Now, in the gay communityâs defense, Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay people, very not nice things that I wonât repeat, but there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals. It wasnât a good look. Nike took his shoes immediately. Which I thought was a little harsh. A little harsh, you know what I mean? Just âcause heâs Asian. You know what I mean? How the fuck are you gonna take the shoes off an Asian dude to appease a gay dude? You know what I mean? No? You donât know what I mean. But Asian people kind of know what I mean. No? No Asians in the front? No? No, this is what I mean. Look, youâre an Asian dudeâ I say this with no disrespect.
Weâre all Americans, right? And we can agree that America has a huge body count all over the world, but nowhere more than Asia. Literally, if you look at history, recently, we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent. We dropped two atomic bombs on fucking Japan, and theyâve been drawing Hello Kitty and shit ever since. Thereâs a lot of lady-boys in the wake of our bombs. And I know these things because my wife is Asian.
Sheâs Filipino. All right, okay. So, that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. Iâm not there picking up pussy. Iâm dropping some off. I take my wife to all that shit. I took my wife to see Pacquiao fight Mayweather. We sat ringside, okay? Thatâ Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home, thatâs what that was.
But if you know whatâs popping in the Philippines, you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the Philippines growing up without their mothers. Yes. A lot of women in the Philippines go to the Arabian Peninsula, they come to the United States, they make all their money here, they send all that money back home, which is still one of the number-one staples in the Philippinesâ economyâ money that the expats send back to the Philippines. The men, on the other hand, are left rearing children, twiddling their thumbs, waiting on their wivesâ checks. These men have been fucking emasculated.
And then suddenly, a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist. This is not the guy youâre supposed to ask, âWhat do you think of homosexuals?â Heâs not your champ.
Shit. Thatâs why I donât have a sneaker deal, âcause if you say something that people donât like, theyâll take your fucking shoes off.
If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal, weâd still be on the back of the bus. Itâs true. The Nike exec would come upâ âHi, Martin. Uh⊠we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and blacks being humans. Itâs upsetting our Southern distributors.â âBut I donât understand. I thought thatâs why I had a sneaker deal in the first place.â âNot quite. Really, itâs a walking shoe. And we like the marching, but⊠Try to understand.â
Fuck that shit.
You know, I get it, though. I understand why gay people are mad, and I empathize. You know what? Iâm just telling you this as a black dude. I support your movement. But if you want to take some advice from a Negro, pace yourself. These things take a while. J
ust âcause they passed the law doesnât mean theyâre gonna like it. Brown v. Board of Education was in. Somebody called me a nigger in traffic last Wednesday. It takes a minute.
My wifeâs friend Stewart told me that. My wife has a lot of gay friends. Stewartâs their leader. She has a lot of gay friends. And I donât like âem. Not âcause theyâre gay. Iâm just judging them on the merits of their character. Theyâre just not nice dudes. Theyâre fucking rude houseguests. Theyâre sitting on my couch, giggling with my wife, eating my motherfucking macaroons.
Then I come in, and they act like the partyâs over. âHey, Stewart. Whatâs going on?â This guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk. âHi, David.â âStewart, whatâs all the beef, man? Whatâs goingââ He always wants to have some kind of gay political argument. The last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words âhusband and wifeâ out of the law. I said, âWhy would you want those words out of the law?â He said, âBecause it discriminates against same-sex couples.â I was like, âN***as, please, save me the semantics. Just trust me. Take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino. Youâre about to crap out! Just go outside, talk that over amongst yourselves, and whichever one of you is gayer, thatâs the wife.â No, no. Stewart didnât like that. Stewart educates me about this movement. I didnât even know shit about it. He told me itâs called âLBGTQ!â I was like, âWhat the fuck is the âQâ?â Does that even make sense? âQâ? Turns out âQâ is like the vowels. That shit is sometimes âY.â Itâs for gay dudes that donât really know theyâre gay. Like prison fags who are like, âWhat? Iâm not gay, n***a. Iâm just sucking these dicks to pass the time. Iâm not âG.â Iâm âQ.â Ugh.â I thinkâ Okay, again, of all those letters, the âTâ has the toughest road ahead. In fact, I think the âTâ should stand for âTough road ahead.â
Theyâve got the longest mental gap to bridge. Thatâs all Iâm saying. Because whenever I see one of them Ts on the street, I donât mind them, but Iâll be like, âMan, I miss Bruce.â Iâm sorry, guys. Iâm 42. I remember Bruce Jenner. Before the Kardashians, before all that, this motherfucker was a white American superhero. It was amazing. He was beating Africans at track and field. Weâd never seen anything like it. He was on my cereal box growing up. You know how much of that cereal I ate? N***a, I didnât know he was gonna do that. I knew before you guys knew.
I heard things on the street in Hollywood. Youâd just be out, see people. âHey, whatâs up, Kanye? Why the long face?â âN***a, youâll see. I got two mother-in-laws now.â And when I heard he was gonna do it, I was scared. I didnât think the public was ready. I didnât think the media was ready. And you know what? I was wrong. Not only did the public embrace him, but the media was nice. Iâd never seen anything like it. âWelcome to the world, Caitlyn. So long, Bruce. Hello, Caitlyn.â I was shocked! Is this happening?
Wait a minute. Is this a time in American history where an American can make a decision for themselves, and even though other Americans donât understand it, theyâll support it and let this person live a happy life? Is this whatâs happening? If it is, then good for America. Thatâs Dave Chappelle, the American. Although, Dave Chappelle, the black American, he was a little jealous. I was like, âHow the fuck are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination Olympics?â If the police shot half as many transgenders as they did n***as last year, thereâd be a fucking war in LA.
I know black dudes in Brooklynâ hard street motherfuckersâ that wear high heels just to feel safe. Transgenders are gangsters. I used to do business with a transgender in Hollywood. Man, everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom. Sheâd walk in there, newly-minted woman, high heels, purse. Wouldnât say anything to us, just walk around the conference table, looking mean and shit. Then sheâd walk to the head of the conference table, stare at us all, reach in her purse, pull her old dick out and throw it on the table. âLetâs talk business, gentlemen.â âAaah!â
Shit is scary as fuck. If your best friend pitched that to you, youâd be horrified. âYo, n***a, letâs go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make pussies out of them shits.â âWhat?! Canât we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something? You sure thatâs what you want to do?â âThereâs only way to find out, n***a. Wu-Tang! Pow! Pow! Letâs go to the club and trick n***as into fucking us. Yeah.â