Because you want to know something? I'M getting some work done. SURPRISE! Yes. Nothing major. You would never know if I didn’t tell you, but it’s some shit I’M insecure about that I want to work on.

If you must know... I’m getting Botox done on my balls to get these wrinkles out. Finally to have these just as smooth as eggs! And ohhhh, I CAN'T WAIT. I cannot wait.

And I’m not stopping there. That’s just phase one, baby. I’d be like Bob Vila, "These Old Balls." I’m fixing them up!

I’m plucking all the hair out. I got to make room, I know there is, I got to make room. I’m going to tattoo a gangster-ass face on with mean expressions, like this. Then I’ll grow the hair back on the bottom, so they got beards like me.

Then I’m hitting that beach and looking for ball-suckers. I’m going to wear some high shorts, just like this. And walk up to women with a confidence I’ve never had before. –

“Pardon me, miss, I don’t mean to be rude, but do you suck balls?”

“EXCUSE me?!”

“Miss, relax, you didn’t even let me finish. Do you suck... *theeeeese* balls?”

“...Ohhh-myyyy-God, those balls are as *smooth* as *eggs.* ...Yes, I’ll suck them.”

– I’ve played this scenario out in my mind A MILLION TIMES, LADY, that’s how it always ends –

“Yes, I’ll suck those balls.”