[THE OBSERVER, spoken]
Good evening, ladies gentleman and welcome
Patrons are respectfully reminded that the use of cameras
Or sound or video recording equipment is strictly forbidden
Also please do not sit in the aisles as in the event of any emergency
You will be trampled to death
Also, patrons who are fitted with hearing aids
Are requested not to turn up their levels too high
Lest they set up feedback in patrons fitted with pacemakers
Please do not crinkle your programs incessantly
Please do not fidget uncontrollably in your seats
Please do not make little clicking noises with your tongues
And please

[THE OBSERVER]
Don't cough
It tends to throw the actors off
Alright, it isn’t Aristophanes
But please
Don't cough

Don't say, "What?"
To every line you think you haven’t got
And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot
(Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot)
Still don't
Say, "What?"
If you see flaws, please
Don't drop your jaws, please
No loud guffaws, please
When things don't go as planned
During a pause, please
Lots of applause, please
If we don't get a hand
You’ll have to stand for one that’s canned

[Canned audience applause plays.]

Don't go, "Oh!"
Whenever there’s a song you know
And when you hear the verse ,don't whisper low
"They cut that out of town, I saw the show
I don't recall the tempo being quite that slow"
And please, refrain
From eating sweets in cellophane

Though it's not Aristophanes
Please don’t fuss
And when you hear cacophonies
Well, don't blame us
If we should wax satirical
Don't take it wrong
And if, by a sudden miracle
A tune should appear that's lyrical
Don't hum along
Do not throw food, please
Till we conclude, please
Do not allude, please
To "talent gone to waste"
If something's screwed, please
Don't come unglued, please
No need to leave in haste
The author has a reputation based
On taste

So please don't fart
There's very little air and this is art
If now and then you're restless, don't lose heart
A premature departure may seem smart
But wait for the finale which is brilliant then depart
But first
We start
Putting it together