[Round 1: Caustic]
It's been 15 years y'all
Fresh Coast we back in this!
And I hope I don't feel too bad for this
But this bitch literally brought her dad to this
So for those expecting to see some savage shit
Get ready for a magic trick
Let me just provide some context for those of you that don't know what the hell has happened
This is Emily, she's an environmental activist
Plants and animals, that's the shit that gets her extra passionate
So I wanted to make sure that I brought an outfit that Emily is happy with
Do you like the jacket
It's organic
I'm pretty sure they made it out of rabbit skin
I said she's an еnvironmental activist
That's just fancy talk for "celibate on accidеnt"
"Negative attractiveness"
She's basically down to suck your dick if you recycle all your cans and shit
I said she's an environmental activist
I heard she got mad cause she heard someone said they were gonna "burn some trees down after this"
Bitch popped up like Smokey The Bear the second you get your Backwoods lit
She hates preservatives, chemicals, and anything that's cancerous
Lil' bitch thinks she's gonna save the world just cause she looks like Ellie from The Last Of Us
Oh, this is finally my chance to put you in your proper place
Bitch, you're not gonna be a superhero just cause you dive head first into toxic waste
She fuckin' hates plastic, and she's not gonna stop until all of our straws get replaced
Which is fuckin' bullshit cause every dick she's ever had has been dishwasher-safe
If you get her pronouns wrong, she's gonna fuckin' go on a rampage
Dumb bitch doesn't know the difference between battle rap and performative outrage
She claims to be a vegan, she's supposed to be plant based
But now that she's here it's pretty clear that Koleslaw (coleslaw) is mostly just mayonnaise
Okay we get it!
You're a vegan
Nobody gives a fuck
If you're really that vegan why don't you make yourself useful and milk some nuts
But if you think about it, maybe that's the reason that you're single right now
I mean, you're in the prime of your life, you should be out meetin' people and sleepin' around
But you know what the worst part of being vegans about?
Nobody wants to marry a bitch that's afraid to put some meat in her mouth
If you think I wanna fuck you, you couldn't get any dumber
Bitch, give you my number?
I'd rather wear a fur coat in the fuckin' middle of summer
This has gotta be the worst thing that we've ever imported from Canada
It's like a new breed of Karen, this bitch walks into Starbucks and orders the manager
I'm sure back in Vancouver, you be rappin' and shit
But in Oakland, California you are a random ass bitch
I'm talkin' Cal State Berkeley, hacky sackin' ass bitch
Ole' Level-13 rogue Dungeon & Dragons ass bitch
Fuckin' too much money, parents went to go see The Titanic ass bitch
Ole' green mullet Karen, crying, Captain Planet ass bitch
You have a giant fuckin' skull, head is massive ass bitch
Of course they call you Koleslaw (coleslaw), you look like a Cabbage Patch Kid
So, it's only 90 second rounds, so let's let her have her shit
And we need to fuckin' hurry up cause clearly she's got a tea party to be at after this
[Round 1: Koleslaw]
Listen, if you don't think there's a sexism problem in rap battling that's fine
But before this battle this cameraman literally said, "If you're not battling you gotta step back behind the line."
Yo, my dad is here, man
And if you have any kids, he's actually around after to give some parenting tips
My name is Koleslaw with a "K" from Canada
I come in peace
Take me to your leader, if he's not being impeached
A lot of people said I shouldn't be on this card
They're saying [?], my time before I can start
"She's greener than a front yard. There's bigger names on greeting cards
Just a common looking chick who named herself after chard."
Let me get one thing as clear as can be
None of you fine gentleman...are more confused than me
Okay, I was just chilling in Vancouver shootin' some shit like a trooper
I was dabbling in battling, adrenaline was super, then I get a call to come to Cali
There's a hotel and honorarium
The only catch I got a match with some Italian American

[Lush One]
Hey take it easy

[Koleslaw]
So I'm here on your land to enjoy your riches
Like fountain drinks and water restrictions
Back where I'm from we don't have Trader Joes
And all of our Targets are covered by snow
Our healthcare is free but crops struggle to grow
I'm not bluffin', this just in (Justin), all of it true though (Trudeau)
So, for vigining women are sent out on quests
We hide and ride, headed to the U.S
And seek places when men congregate
Like an engineering undergrad sitting around Andrew Tate
We find a target and kill him and it's a crime of passion
Cause we're passionate about supplementing our meager moose rations
We're trained in karate, palates, judo, tai-chi
To take bitches like Stephani and turn him into poutine
Now I am the first to say, things are not always as they appear
Unless the thing you're talking about is a white guy with a beard
Searching for angles on you is like finding them on a sphere
I mean, Caustic screams on Twitch, I've watched him, he's no fun
Daniel's a bitch, it takes one to know one
In his basement he sits, playing Street Fighter 6
While his wife brings him weenies and Capri Suns to sip
His Twitter bio is this...
"Sneakers. Fighting games and rap. You're welcome in advance."
Wooooow
That is a master class on how to surmise in eight words or less that you are essentially five
Cause when he says "Sneakers" he means the type that have Velcro straps and light up at night
But the light, it's a safety thing, so don't judge him, capiche?
It's in case he goes to Disney and he breaks off of his leash
This guy says, "Where's the bathroom?" and "What's the Wi-Fi?" as soon as he shows up
You should go to a grow op so you can watch something grow up
One day he snapped on his snapback and proudly called it his "glow up"
You know, Eve is made from the rib of Adam, but that means somethin' we're not tellin' him
That every little girl knows how to pull apart a skeleton
Now, there are techniques to break a boy
My bros say I should play them by the book
Like a guy with a lazy eye I shouldn't make fun of how you look
That's a HUGE creative ask
To capture your essence in just a few words man
I hope I'm up to the task
Give me a second....I'll pass
[Round 2: Caustic]
Okay
That was cool...but I'm a little concerned
Cause if I'm being honest that might've been retarded things that I've ever heard
I mean, I don't know if you came here to do a rap battle or make a debate
But, next time that you did and you wear a dress can you please try focusing on shaving your legs?
I mean, is it really that important?
Is it that much of an environmental deal that you're really tryin' to save the forest?
Never again
Not with fuckin' (hairy) Harry & The Hendersons
Well if it isn't Emily Koleslow
Or as you might remember her better as Megan from Quahog
Sucks dick one time and now she thinks that she's Soul Khan
Hold on
She says when she saves up enough money she's even getting the nose job
If you are sensitive about sexism, I suggest you find another profession
Cause you be actin' all offended but deep down I think you want the attention
Are you fuckin' autistic?
I'm sorry if that's an uncomfortable question
But whenever she raps I feel like I'm watching an episode of Love On The Spectrum
She had an incident in Canada, I'm not sure who or what she protested
But ultimately she fucked up a museum exhibit and the fuckin' bitch got arrested
You can't just break other people's shit because someone's offended
But I mean, he made the shit to make you mad so the shit happened just as intended
This bitch went up to corrections for several days
Now she has to be on probation until the debt is repaid
This is not who I would imagine if you told me "Someone in this event was catching a case."
But it makes a lot of sense that they told you to get in a cage when you were literally born with Chris Jericho's face
Plus, your wardrobe is going through this lesbian phase
I will knock this bitch clean the fuck out and tell the police I thought it was Elliot Paige
Can anybody in this room tell me Emily's age?
I can't tell if this bitch is 17 or 78
You look like a fuckin' high school kid with fuckin' varicose veins
So let me be sure that I'm getting this straight
You destroyed somebody's painting to prove that you're hardcore
So I guess what you're trying to say is battle rap isn't the first time you ruined an artform
I mean, I guess it was pretty brave
I'm not here to question her courage
But trying to remember all your pronouns it becomes a fuckin' test of endurance
Especially when in hip hop, you're not even a guest, you're a tourist
If this bitch was a car she'd be a Prius, with Progressive Insurance
I don' think that you're less of a person because of what you did in the past
But whatever you were before this...you should be sticking to that
You can quit battle rapping RIGHT NOW and say that you did it for Pat
Cause if you can't make the cut, trust me, there's No Shame in transitioning back
I mean, Dizaster hyped her up, I was just tryin' to give her a chance
But honestly, now that I'm here, this shit is just bad
The bars are terrible, the delivery's trash
So now I gotta battle some vegan, white girl that doesn't even listen to rap?
If you are what you eat bitch you are a fuckin' industry plant
See to her, this shit is just an act
Battles are like a play
She's just a theater kid reading a script, you can see through the shit right away
So if you wanna be an actress, I don't wanna hear the bullshit coming out of your giant face
If I have to put it to Emily, Blunt, your best role is in A Quiet Place
See, bitches like this are why I take medication
She's fuckin' makin' me anxious
She's about a second away from doin' her Karen Super Move and claimin' I'm racist
But if we're being fair, this is the only white woman who could make allegations
Cause she's been an ally to black people since that one summer when she got braids on vacation
[Round 2: Koleslaw]
Okay, a couple things to start
For someone that's taken real shots at my body, face and legs, you're really taken a lot of time picturing my features at length
Man I can imagine your hand cramped writing the same refrain "Aw she's the ugliest shit I've ever seen."
Right to your captive audience of Kleenex and Vaseline
Before this battle, I reached out and I asked, "Hey, is there actually anything you don't want me to talk about?"
I have kept my side of the deal, I told you what shit I thought was tired
But he blurted out anyway like he's the fuckin' town crier
Now, just wait- this is important for this context- okay
I'd like to take this round about one of our deceased
A man named Jefferson, may he rest in peace
Ten years ago, Caustic takes on this English rapper called "Jefferson Price"
And exposes his cheating ass in front of Jefferson's wife
You can see the panic palpitating Jefferson's eyes
Then he vanishes from sight, you ruined Jefferson's life

[Lush One] Asshole
[Crowd] Facts!
[Caustic] I'd do it again!

[Koleslaw]
His wife was pregnant at the time, I was 15 when you ended him
And I [?] babies of the kid, I'm thinkin' Justice For Jefferson
Cause everyone told me, "Koleslaw, you gotta watch this battle
Learn what kind of guns he's slingin' before you hop into the saddle."
Three rounds comes around, color me rattled
When Daniel says he met with Jeff before and swore that he wouldn't tattle
He says, "You were talkin' to Daniel last night. Today it's Caustic."
This fucker tips his Fedora and mutters, "Sorry kid."
And it's as if any thoughtful thought, never occurred
This asshole drops Google Doc and goes back on his word
Cheating makes people sad, and you seem to understand
Until you wanna win so bad that you cheat your fellow man
You are so corrosive, give being nice a try
Hey Caustic, your nose is proportional in size
Does that make you wanna cry even though it's just a lie?
Now imagine for a second that I have a bird spotting guide, written by Dirtbag Dan
Class settle down while I give you a lesson on how to identify this perplexing specimen
He seems 5'8" but he's energetically 5'3"
His niche is eating nuts you can tell by his beak
Now, this Dodo bird has proposed he's as mean as mean goes
But actually, Caustic isn't from the genus "meanest"
Birds of that variety have a MUCH bigger penis
In order to pass Caustic on the evolutionary line
We have to go way back, past troglodytes
With the bristle worms and anomies that share this neat feature
Of being bottom feeders as well as spineless creatures
And there in some Darwinian dish, you find Caustic
No debilis, poxilium, scrotlilium
Which is Latin for "insecure little bitch"
Now sometimes, insecure little bitches will pull up their britches
Flash some of their feathers and pull in a missus
And then over time like turds to castle, they will evolve and turn into assholes
Now, if you can't tell the difference between a mean person and an asshole, let me give you a simple explanation
Mean people make pointed observations
Assholes drop dirty detonations
You can attack with tact and no laxatives, but this man lacks the patience
Caustic has IBF and the "i" stands for "information"
Listen, if an MC has integrity, fire shots within reason
But if you're gonna be a dick Daniel then it's always hunting season

[Round 3: Caustic]
Oh
I'm glad that your dad's here
I think I'm about ready for those parenting tips
Cause maybe with his guidance maybe I won't raise such an embarrassing bitch
I mean, look at your dad, that is a man, you can fuckin' tell that he's rich
I bet back in the 70's he was givin' your mom some incredible dick

[Lush One] It's dad!

[Caustic]
I bet back in the 70's he was givin' your mom some incredible dick
So I guess the only question is this
How did it end up like this?
What's fuckin' wrong with you?

[Koleslaw]
I think you're what's wrong with me

[Caustic]
Shut the fuck up
Please
Sorry, for me that's an issue a little touchy
I don't like when ugly women interrupt me
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Was the outfit optional?
You look like Ace Ventura when he got to the mental hospital
Well, well, well, if it isn't Emily the criminal
Sweaty little liberal
Ready to be offended by- anything that's trivial
I'm not even a conservative, I'm just a petty individual
But if I'm being completely honest, Dizaster is a Republican and he paid me to get rid of you
Before you fuck with Emily, there's some things that you need to consider
This bitch will call the police on you if you order meat with your dinner
She'll come to your job and get you fired over a disagreement on Twitter
I can only imagine the kind of "thems" that you're meeting on Tinder
Just for you to even match with them you have to swipe right on like three of their genders
There's no way you're gonna look back on this day and feel like a winner
You should've debuted on URL cause you're so fuckin' easily (Eaz-ily) triggered
You could probably be normal, your dad proves it
But I try to picture the bitch with a tan and I can't do it
Her skins so fuckin' pale that light can pass through it
So when she says she's fighting for the trans movement it's because (she's translucent!)
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I don't have any problem with trans people, okay?
I have a brand new attitude
If you wanna be a man tomorrow, dude what you have to do
If you asked them to, I hope the doctors take the fallopian tubes outta you and make a fuckin' balloon animal
Hi, there's just so many way I can insult her
The next time you take a bath I hope you don't forget to grab the toaster
Cause your tits look exactly like your back and shoulders
If you don't practice hiking or practice yoga
The bitch won't get off your back like master Yoda
Fuck your puppies, fuck your kittens, fuck your agriculture
If white bitches never invented "Cancel Culture" you wouldn't even have a culture
That's why she's got no bars like the shit's a service issue
Cause her whole network is based off of a virtual signal
So please, stop treating Oakland like it's just some little fuckin' city to visit
We are not in the business of uplifting these women
You are in the midst of the pimpin'
We don't give shit to these bitches
You spend five minutes alone with me I'll have her doin' tricks while she's strippin'
I'll have this bird on a pole lookin' like a whole ass rotisserie chicken
They said she's not the GOAT...but she fits the description
If you ask Koleslaw for a blow job the bitch'll unhinge her whole jaw and swallow your kids like Hillary Clinton
...Fuck it I'm done