Look, you gotta understand, it’s just been me and Eleanore for 67 years, so she gets nervous around strangers
I wouldn’t show that picture to anyone or they might try to take you two guys back to the laboratory
Huh?
Listen, we got rules in this house, and you better follow them, or you’ll find yourself outta here
Yeah, yeah, yeah
This might be harder than I thought
 
If you come in from the street
With dirty shoes on your feet
That’s a technical foul
If you switch the radio
To some “modern” music show
That’s a technical foul
 
If you don’t shut the door
After using the ‘fridgerator
That’s a technical foul
A technical foul
 
If you touch the thermostat
You’ll get hit with a bat
‘Cause that’s a technical foul (You will feel my wrath)
 
If your hair clogs the drain
You’ll know the meaning of pain
‘Cause that’s a technical foul (I’ll show you no mercy)
 
Oh, this is such bullshit-a (Hey)
In this house we say bullspit
Or it’s a technical foul
A technical foul
 
Let me get this straight, you expect me to change my entire lifestyle in one night because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?
You got it, bub
Or you can go rot in the gutter, it’s up to you, Yankee Doodle
Well, I don’t wanna do that, but let me run a few questions by ya so I don’t screw up accidentally
 
If I don’t spray Lysol after moving a bowel?
That’s a technical foul
Okay… if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?
That’s a technical foul (Please, say “hiney”)
 
If I make fun of your crazy feeties
Or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes
That’s not only a technical foul, but possibly a homicide
 
Can I sleep past three?
If you do, you’ll get a T
Take a whiz in those flowers?
I’ll say hit the showers
Use this horn as a bong?
Adios, Tommy Chong
Make some long distance calls?
You’ll get a kick in the balls, oops
 
Can I walk around with my morning erection?
If you want an automatic ejection
‘Cause that’s a technical foul
 But I’d like to see it anyway…just kidding
 
There are certain rules which apply in one’s life
With your sister, friends or imaginary wife
I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself
(Respect carries over beyond the court)
Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf
(Whether you’re Jewish, diabetic or especially short)

They took my wig
(She’s neurotic and he’s a troll)
(My feet are strange and my groin is hairy)
I remember the look in their eyes
(How did I get stuck in this shithole?)
(My imaginary wife likes to be called “Mary”)

Guess I’ll have to deal with your demands
(Why, oh, why)
But please don’t touch me with your alien hands
(Won’t someone retrieve my wig, wig, wig?)
 
I’ve got no right to growl
The whistle, she’s on the prowl
Without my wig I look like an owl, hoo hoo
Oh my god
Don’t laugh at her
Or it’s a technical foul
A technical foul
A technical foul