Hey, mom and dad I'm a real dick and I hope you know that
Hey, mom and dad I'm a piece of shit and I hope you know that
Hey, mom and dad I'm a real bitch and I hope you know that
Hey, mom and dad I'm a real... dick, dick

Hey, Samuel I'm a real fuck and I hope you know that
Hey, Charlie I'm a real wuss and I hope you know that
Hey, Caroline I'm a real puss and I hope you know that
Hey, Pierce I'm a real cock and I hope you know that
Hey, Rachel I'm real sissy ass clown and I hope you know that
Hey, everyone I'm a real sucker and I hope you know that

Hey, extended family I suck a lot of dick
Hey, everybody at school I'm a total piece of shit
Hey, everyone who I didn't mention, fuck me
Hey, everybody I love, fuck me, yeah