(Spoken: I might record all my songs naked from now on, if that's alright. [clears throat] Okay.)

Yo! Buh-dum

Well, isn't this nice?
A change from the usual belligerent types
If it's a bit blue, kind of miserable life
Then it might be time for you to give me that mic!

So happy that it's nearly sickening, but not quite
You rappers got bitter, I got nice
I got timely recordings of a lifetime of tours
With the violin-playing mice in my orchestra

Fighting trousers, sunshine hats
It's time to astound, then run my track
Invite any crowd from the front right back
If they hate gangsters, come try my rap

So creamy
Full fat beats
They're cheesy like milk's been squeezed from teats
And nobody wants to buy bad man-milk!
I stride on stage in my rapping kilt

Well isn't this nice?
It's nearly sickening but not quite
A change from the usual, I got nice
Gimme that mic
Fighting trousers, sunshine hats
Come try my rap
Full fat beats
I stride on stage
Run my-- my trap

Sorry your novelty's not backed with skills
More a patchwork quilt, no actual feel
Of authentic rap, caught in the centre
Do hip-hop homework before you enter!

It's not a contest
Or a conquest
But a joke only works in context
If you work jokes in your show or song set
Make sure your flow is dope and your song's strong, you're on next!

And are you better than me?
Hell yes, you better be!
You better get ahead or get a better MC
To measure up to the professor, I'm a veteran, see?
All my men move at veteran speed
Gentlemen of leisure, so splendid and free
Only hang with MCs who are better than me
I'm already the best, so they're legends indeed!

Are you better than me?
I''m already the best
Only hang with MCs
Authentic rap
Do hip-hop homework
Make sure your flow is dope
Measure up to the professor
Gimme that mic

Yeah!

You need a bit of incentive
Need the get my attention
Be a bit inventive
Be a bit Jim Henson
Just a silly little rhyme
But we're changing the world one giggle at a time
Choose a tipple, show a nipple
Get ridiculous, fine
A weirdo like you with a similar mind!

If this isn't super excellent, it's a very nice try
Thank you for attention, you've got very kind eyes!
I might not know what rocks the charts, but I feel I've got it all if I've got your heart!

Track's about to stall, you've not lost your chance
You've got about twenty seconds, when it stops and starts
Stop trying to be cool, I mean you've got to laugh
Get your back up off the wall, have a proper dance!

(Spoken: Ha-ho! I've got to give a big shoutout to my friends, so many lovely friends! Look at you! I can see Sir Douglas Sinclair, he's dancing away! David Jane, spin on your hips, man! All my Crowdfunder people! Ben Field and the Chronicles! Sir Christopher Mole and everybody who does my beautiful comic! Menagerie!)