[Intro: Pye & Professor Elemental]
Wha's going on here Elemental?
Just the opening of a new teashop, officer
I know there’s monkey business going on ‘ere
He's an ape, actually, and a damn fine waitress
Care for one of his creamy scones for an afternoon tea?
I don' buy it Elemental (oh)
I know you’re up to some'in' and when I find out what
I'm gonna take you to the cleaners

[Verse 1: Professor Elemental]
Appearances are deceiving
I can prove that seeing shouldn't be believing
You all know the password, sneak in this evening
All will be revealed, something cheeky, indecent
The coast is clear, I'm flicking the switch
With a flick of the wrist, with a click and a twist
Flip the tables, rearrange it like lickety-split
Get a drink, light the lights, now we're hitting it big
Tea room to speakeasy, our mission is this
Switch your fears into dreams and give them a lift
Give them a kiss, whether it's a mister or miss
Have a seat, I insist, now listen to this
My machinery is unbelievable and so’s the scenery
The bar, the stage, the stars, amazing, things you’ve never seen and we
Won't rest until you’re entertained, tipsy or tripping
Bring on the dancing girls, DJ's and the magicians

[Chorus: Sharleena Ray]
Welcome to our tea shop, it's the finest one in town
By day we serve Earl Grey, but when the sun goes down
The revelry's intoxicating, and so is our tea
For we’ve a cellar stocked with spirits (shhh) between you and me

I can read your fortune amongst those ginseng leaves
Just keep our little secret and we can be as thick as thieves
The authorities need never know you're here, so don't you fret
Just come and quench your thirst, we're sure to get your taste buds wet

(Bang, bang, bang) Who is it?

[Verse 2: Offbeat, Professor Elemental, & Pye]
The Swingpin with a special delivery
Coming to you, direct fresh from the distillery
I've got the liquor to refresh ya' guests
So strong that it'll put hairs on Geoffrey's chest
You would never guess this quaint little premises
Could be the scene of such hedonism and decadence
And host the city's most unsavoury residents
Which is why like the Professor, I'm in my Element
But tonight I got more hooch to deliver
Are you sure we can't persuade you to stay for a snifter?
Well I never get high on my own supply
But since it's you Prof, tonight I guess it could differ
(Gulp, cough) Yeah that's got quite a kick
Now I'm in the mood to start misbehaving a bit
Stealing the Prof's hat just to see if it fits
Now that's what I really call taking the pith

Well well well! I knew you were up to something Elemental
And now I've caught you associating with the Swingpin, there's no denying it!
I've got you righ' where I want you
And this time, you're not getting away with it

[Verse 3: Offbeat, Professor Elemental, Sharleena Ray & Pye]
Calm down officer, no need to start with locking up
I understand your job is hard, but stop and have a drop with us
Rum or vodka? Malt or hops? It's all top notch, in stock in the
Bar, come on copper, let's get properly improper
Yeah c'mon officer, just take what the Prof offers ya
And see for yourself why this product is so popular
Besides you'll only be seen by a few folk
We promise that we won't tell anybody if you don't
Greetings officer, how do you do?
Here's one on the house just for you
To your health sir, chin up now, clink clink
You know this is what the big boys drink
Now look here, I will not be tempted
And this dirty dive bar will not be exempted
But before I leave I need a bit more surety
I'll have one sip just to test the purity
(guzzle)
Maybe I've been too hard on this tea shop
I mean everybody needs a way to blow some steam off
And that includes me, so if one crate a week
Was left somewhere discrete we'd have a deal to speak of
Now I really must be off
But before I leave, I got a surprise up my sleeve
You've all seen a cop on the beat
But what I bet you haven't seen is a cop on the beatbox

[Beatbox]

[Chorus: Sharleena Ray & Professor Elemental]
Welcome to our tea shop, it's the finest one in town
By day we serve Earl Grey but, when the sun goes down
The revelry's intoxicating, and so is our tea
For we've a cellar stocked with spirits (shhh) between you and me

I can read your fortune amongst those ginseng leaves (ho, ho!)
Just keep our little secret and we can be as thick as thieves (oh yeah!)
The authorities need never know you're here, so don't you fret
Just come and quench your thirst, we're sure to get your taste buds wet

[Outro: Professor Elemental]
Well I mean, if you think the tea's strong, you should try the cake
I can't feel my face