[James Corden]
Hey, Jeff

[Jeff Goldblum]
Hello, James

[James Corden]
You sure you're ready for what's about to happen?

[Jeff Goldblum]
Am I ready?
I'm so ready to eat your lunch and drink your milkshake
They're gonna call you Corden Blue

[James Corden]
Here's the thing, Jeff
I'll joke with you about anything
I will joke with you about sport, I will joke with you about politics, I will joke with you about sex
If you joke about stealing my fucking lunch again, I will finish you
Alright. Joshua, gimme a beat!

[Round 1: James Corden]
Jeff's been a legendary actor for years
If you like overacting from a guy who talks weird
He dresses like he walked into a random thrift shop
Looked at a rack and said, "I'll take everything you've got"
You're perfect for a movie where they need someone cheesy
And can use a Ted Danson who is much more creepy
But when they first cast you as the lead in The Fly
They thought, "Repulsive, gross creature — I know just the guy!"
[Jeff Goldblum]
Professor Silverstein, a beat, please. Something like this...

[Round 1: Jeff Goldblum]
I saw the Cats trailer, and quickly noticed you
You're the weirdest part of it, and that's hard to do
Seeing you as a cat was completely unnerving
But how you look in real life is somehow more disturbing
Is there any chance we send him back to the Brits?
Why'd we trade Meghan Markle for something like this?
And you're a father, I'm shocked you get laid
But hey, I guess it's true: life, uh, finds—finds a way

[James Corden]
Josh, give me a beat

[Round 2: James Corden]
You're in a jazz band; isn't that right?
I'm amazed you found a way to make jazz more white
And your role in the movie Thor, you should be ashamed
You're the only Marvel character not in Endgame
And some genie must have had one hell of a gig
You look like Nick Kroll made a wish to be big
And your wife's a gymnast, that's for the best
'Cause finding you attractive must really be a stretch
[Jeff Goldblum]
Gimme that beat, gimme that beat!

[Round 2: Jeff Goldblum]
When you say I'm unattractive, it's obvious you're lying
You look like Andy Richter ate Conan O'Brien
And you hosted Tonys for actors who sing
Which is funny, 'cause you suck at both those things
Crosswalk: The Musical makes you a star
Because people tune in to hope you're hit by a car
When you were born, I was already 25
Which means I've been a sex symbol longer than you've been alive

[James Corden]
Alright, Josh. Let's end this guy

[Round 3: James Corden]
Jeff calls himself a thespian, but he's wrong
You think Brando would've done ads for Apartments.com?
Your role in Jurassic Park was easy, I bet
Since you're so old, you have a dinosaur as a pet
Wes Anderson movies, you ruined all those
Though it appears you leave the set with all of his clothes
The fact you're still popular is just crazy
And proof they'll bring back any shit from the '80s
[Jeff Goldblum]
I got it. You're out, baby. You're out, baby. Yeah, I caught it. I leaped at the fence, I leaped at the warning track, I got it, I'm sorry. Joshua, a beat please

[Round 3: Jeff Goldblum]
I saw Ocean's 8 and that really was a switch
It starred 8 awesome women and one giant bitch
Julia Roberts was snubbed for an Emmy this year
But you're nominated for 7; sure, that seems fair
Gavin & Stacey's back, just so fans can view it
As a Christmas special — well, thank God I'm Jewish
I'm done with you, James; what can I say?
I just killed an alien; hey, that's an Independence Day