[Intro]
Our country is in the middle of an extreme crisis
I'd say there's a tale of two Americas here
The great divide that exists in this country

[Verse 1: Cecily Strong, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim, Cecily & Beck]
All you ever hear is how different we are
But whether you're black or white, old or young, left or right, we all dislike so many of the same things
We all hate wet jeans
We all hate bees who follow us around
We hate the typing bubble in the text message
But we hate it even more when it's gone
C'mon, man, what were you gonna say?

[Verse 2: Cecily, Kate McKinnon, Beck, Cecily, Beck & Ego, (Alex Moffat)]
We hate soft apples
Nope
And child actors who speak like adults
#SoBlessed
And when our waitor kneels down at your table
Like he's a goddamn football coach
(Y'all hungy?)

[Verse 3: Beck, Cecily, Kyle Mooney]
And when people say the book was better
No it's not
I can't watch a book
And we hate kids who study abroad
And come back with an accent
Barcelona is such an amazing place
[Chorus: All]
Because we don't agree on the big things
And that's how it's gonna be
But, all of us hate the same small stuff, that's unity

[Verse 4: Beck, (All), Cecily, Beck, Cecily, & Ego, (Liev Schreiber)]
We hate the word crotch (Crotch!)
And warm public toilet seats
And we hate when the pilot stops the movie
That we're watching just to talk about the wind speed
(Good evening from the flight deck
Winds right now are at a northwestern 5 miles an hour
Visibility is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

[Verse 5: Cecily, (All), Beck, (Chris Redd), Ego, Cecily & Beck, (Ego)]
We hate the word moist (Moist!)
And guys who make loud sounds at the gym (Yaaaa!)
And the pilot who had a lot to say about the weather
Doesn't say a damn thing during turbulence
(Just let us know we're not gonna die!)

[Verse 6: Beck, Cecily, Kate]
We all hate when we show someone a picture on our phone
And they swipe around too much
Give it back!
And we hate when people stop everything
So they can sneeze
It passed
[Chorus: All]
Maybe we don't agree on the big things
There will always be a divide
But we all want peace and prosperity
And to live full, happy lives
Let's stop looking at what makes us different
And start seeing how we're the same
Like how we all hate the sound that the chip reader makes

[Chip Reader Sound]

[Outro: Cecily Strong]
Oh my God, just take it out!
Just take the card out!
Take the f**king thing out!