[TRACY, spoken]
Well, I brought my own 45s, so
If you just put 'em on, I’ll show you my stuff!

[LOU ANN, spoken]
Haven't you already shown us enough?

*councilgirls laughing*

[VELMA]
Oh my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed

[TAMMY]
Are you scared we're on live?

[TRACY]
No, I'm sure I can cope

[AMBER]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
CinemaScope!

[VELMA]
I never drank one chocolate malt, no
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

[COUNCIL MEMBER]
How many sweaters do you own?

[AMBER]
Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
[VELMA]
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!

A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead, but left tons of money
So I bought this station

[VELMA AND COMPANY]
So all of our nation could see

[VELMA, spoken]
Baby Amber and me!

[AMBER]
Do you dance like you dress?

[LINK]
Amber, there's no need to be cruel

[VELMA]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

*Gasps*

[TRACY, spoken]
I sure would!
I’m all for integration, it's the new frontier!
[VELMA, spoken]
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?
(sung)
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
So we're kicking you out!

[VELMA]
You can't get past me, kid, but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha-ha!
(spoken)
Oh, you may go

[TRACY, spoken]
Uh, thank you?

[PENNY, spoken]
Gee Tracy, that went well!

[LITTLE INEZ, spoken]
Hello, may I please audition?

[VELMA, spoken]
No, but you can bow and exalt
(sung)
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Crabs, Crabs!

[VELMA]
Crabs!