[RICHARD]
(spoken)
Whoa! This is amazing! What's that smell?

[GARETH]
Testosterone

[RICHARD]
Mmmm, musky

[GARETH]
If you want your wife to respect you, you have to earn her respect. You need to man up

[RICHARD]
But how?

[GARETH]
It just so happens you're talking to a professor of the art of manhood. Lesson one: Historical background

(sung)
Way back in the ancient ocean
Live a flabby, pitiful thing
It was soft and pale
Neither female or male
Rather like you, my king
This creature was lacking a backbone
It couldn't stand tall and free
'Til it grew a spine
And a pair like mine
And evolved into well, me

Now frankly, this could take you
A good ten million year
Me, I know a shortcut
May I have some volunteers?

[CHEF]
(spoken)
He's looking at me, isn't he?

[GARETH]
(sung)
Throw back your shoulders
Suck in that gut
Seize the advantage
And kick some butt
Do watcha want
And do it violently
That'sthe secret of manlyology

(spoken)
Any questions?
[RICHARD]
(spoken)
Will there be a quiz?

[GARETH]
(spoken)
No, moving on. Lesson two: Theory and Application

(sung)
Now, manhood's pretty simple
It's a display of relative might
Men give commands and eat with their hands

[RICHARD]
Leave the toilet seat up?

[GARETH]
Damn right
Does a man ever order a spritzer?

[RICHARD]
No!

[GARETH]
Does a man wear sandals with socks?
[RICHARD]
No?

[GARETH]
Does he own a cat?

[RICHARD]
Yes!

[GARETH]
Sure about that?

[RICHARD]
Um...

[GARETH]
Does he think about miniature rocks?

[RICHARD]
Pass!

[GARETH]
Does a man mind blood in his mustache?

[RICHARD]
What?

[GARETH]
Does he care if he smells like arse?

[RICHARD]
Whose?

[GARETH]
Does he pick his nose?

[RICHARD]
Eww

[GARETH]
Bros before hoes?

[RICHARD]
Duh!

[GARETH]
Close enough
You pass

[RICHARD]
By George, I think I've got it!

[GARETH]
Well, we'll get you up to speed

[RICHARD]
Maybe a private lesson?

[CHEF]
Guess I volunteer

[GARETH]
No need

Kick into action
And crack that whip
Crush all emotion
And one last tip
Don't miss your yearly colonoscopy
That's the secret of manlyology

[RICHARD]
(spoken)
Oh Gareth! I can't thank you enough! Tomorrow night I shall dine with Madelena. I will show her all I've learned. Come here, you!

[GARETH]
(spoken)
Oi! I've only hugged one man in my life. It was the day my father died. I squeezed that rotten bastard to death

[RICHARD]
(spoken)
Right. We'll hug later. Good talk

[GARETH]
(spoken)
Yeah