[Verse 1]
Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction
Forgive our sins, forged at the pulpit
With forked tongues selling faux sermons
Because I am a new-wave gospel sharp, and you'll be thy witness
So, gentlemen, if you're gonna preach
For God sakes, preach with conviction!

[Chorus]
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move

[Post-Chorus]
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights!
...We sure are in for a show tonight!

[Verse 2]
In this little number, we're graced by two displays of character
We've got the gunslinger extraordinaire, a walking contradiction
And I, for one, can see no blood
From the hearts and the wrists you allegedly slit
And I, for one, won't stand for this
If this scene were a parish, you'd all be condemned
[Chorus]
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move

[Bridge]
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights
...We sure are in for a show tonight!
Just stay where I can see you, douse the lights!
...We sure are in for a show tonight!
Stay where I can see you, douse the lights!

[Chorus]
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move
Strike up the band! Whoa-oh, the conductor is beckoning
Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it
No, don't you get it? Don't you get it? Now, don't you move
Don't you move, don't you move... strike up the band!