[Round 1: Jonathan Lipnicki]
On Boy Meets World, you were the dime of your time
Now you're the girl next door, if she lived under power lines
When you were on TV, the world found you dreamy
Now I'm taking you to school, you can call me Mr. Feeny
Great actors are known for the words that they speak
But just like David Lynch, you're best known for twin peaks
Seriously, I'm a fan, so no disrespect
But you look like an Olsen twin mixed with girl Shrek
[Round 1: Danielle Fishel]
Jonathan grew up, man, you truly blossomed
It's me versus the guy who's not Haley Joel Osment
Yes, you're a star, you're actually like the sun
'Cause you were set around five, but by seven, you were done
You're like an old, dusty player of DVDs
Because neither of you have worked since 2003
Ya got famous off one line, and yeah, we enjoyed it
Now the only line you're famous for is unemployment
[Round 2: Jonathan Lipnicki]
You dated Lance Bass, and you didn't have a clue?
The biggest sign he was gay is the fact that he dated you
Rapping here tonight is the most you've worked in years
I may not be Haley Joel, but I see a dead career
You only played one character in everything you do
You're a one-trick pony that they turned into glue
I'm the total package, you're below average
Call me Corey Matthews, 'cause you've just been savaged
[Round 2: Danielle Fishel]
Yo, did you know the human head weighs eight pounds?
Did you know that question is just as dumb as it sounds?
You're a tiny twerp trying to be buffer these days
You're essentially like Screech, if he trained for MMA
Now you're back on stage, so tell me where does that bring us?
You'd be perfect, if we needed another Minkus
It's sad to look back and see what you used to be
I'm killing your career, so you can call me puberty
[Round 3: Jonathan Lipnicki]
If I'm a has-been, then you're a never-were
Make dinner reservations under "I don't remember her"
She had to find a job when her career when sideways
She went from TGIF to TGI Fridays
They brought back your show to much fanfare
Then they canceled it again when nobody cared
In a year, Danielle will be driving for Uber
And, if I'm being honest, my first crush was Winnie Cooper!
[Round 3: Danielle Fishel]
You and Tom Cruise don't talk, that's his decision
You're the only one he didn't ask to join his religion
Ya can't get close to him, you just watch from afar
To be in a Tom Cruise vehicle now, you'd probably have to steal his car
Jon's so creepy that I'm really scared of him
Macaulay Culkin works more, and he looks like he's on heroin
This boy met the world, then you lost to me, dummy
It's been 20 years since someone "showed you 'da money"