YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN
I CAN LEGPRESS LIKE 500 LBS WITH ONLY ONE HAND
I ALWAYS FLEX IN FRONT OF ALL MY FRIENDS
I’M GONNA PUT MY LEGS BEHIND MY HEAD
AND SUCK MY OWN DICK
BECAUSE IT’S MASCULINE

CRAFT BEER’S FOR PUSSIES
I ONLY DRINK BUSCH LITE
AND IF YOU TALK SHIT ON KID ROCK
I’LL END YOUR FUCKING LIFE

I PARK IN THE HANDICAP SPOT BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK
I USED TO DRIVE A PICKUP BUT NOW I DRIVE A MONSTER TRUCK

HOLY SHIT

GOD DAMN

WHO NEEDS A GYM WHEN I CAN WORK OUT IN MY MUSCLE CAR
I’LL PICK A FIGHT WITH ANYONE INSIDE MY FAVORITE SPORTS BAR
I HAVE TATTOOS OF BARBED WIRE AND BROKEN GLASS
MY DAD’S A COP AND I BET HE COULD KICK YOUR DAD’S FUCKING ASS

PEOPLE WONDER WHY I’M ALWAYS ANGRY ALL THE TIME BUT
IF YOU MENTION IT I’LL GET DEFENSIVE AT THE DROP OF A DIME
I SWEAR TO GOD I’VE NEVER CRIED A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE
NO, I’M TOTALLY SERIOUS, I’M THE MANLIEST TYPE OF GUY
YEAH

I ONLY ENJOY EATING PHALLIC SHAPED FOODS
BANANAS, HOT DOGS, POPSICLES, AND SAUSAGES TOO
I DO THIS BECAUSE IT’S MANLY, NOT BECAUSE IT’S INSANE
I DON’T HAVE NO TIME FOR WEAKLINGS, ESPECIALLY IF I’M WATCHING THE GAME

I CUT THE SLEEVES OFF OF ALL OF THE SHIRTS I BUY
IT HELPS ME SHOW OFF MY MUSCLES TO OTHER GUYS
I LIKE TO THINK THAT THEY SEE ME AND THINK I’M TOUGH
BUT HONESTLY, I WEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE I’M NOT THAT BUFF

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN ALWAYS PUT ME IN THE FRIENDZONE
I SEND THEM UNSOLICITED DICK PICS FROM MY PHONE
THE TRUTH IS I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
MAYBE IT’S MY ANGER ISSUES OR THAT I HAVE A TINY PEEPEE