[Intro] [Kid talking] (Majik Most):
Hey yeah, I just need a haircut. Yeah, like maybe a little bit off the top, like a trim
(Yeah, I can give you a haircut. I'm A FUCKIN' BARBER!)
Naw, naw just like a trim. (Yeah). Just a little bit off the top
(Yeah I know what the fuck I'm doin'. Just sit down in the chair.)
Well, okay but...you know I just want a little bit off the sides, like a trim
(Yeah, I'll cut you real nice.)
Yeah okay, OOOWW MY HEAD!

[Verse One]
You want a Majik Most logo carved in your fro?
Awww, my hand slipped, now you look just like Bobbito
It's not me bro, these scissors are messed up
Rusted shut, let me oil up the clippers
I'll clip your neck quicker when I drink a little liquor
I might lop your ear off, aaawww stop actin' soft
Sit still
Don't you dare move or cough
Or you'll look like Robocop when he took his helmet off
The nerve of this guy
To say, "Move faster."
He left with a skin fade disaster
Uhhh
"You want a Meximullet?"
"Yeah, what's that?"
"Like that Mexican cat with long hair on the back."
Or that other guy Zach, from Saved By The Bell
You'll Screetch when I reach for my razor from Hell
It's bloody and old and got mold on the side
You wanted a part?
Well, now you got five
[Hook]
You better tuck in those ears before I swing these shears
I've been doin' this for years, just sit down in that chair
A little off the top? Now a chop off that block
Give you a crew cut, now you strut like a gay cop

[Verse Two]
You want a Little Richard helmet?
Huuum, let's do this
Leave you lookin' like a Buddhist with a balding cap
Fuck Rogaine kid, your hair is never coming back
Believe me black
Yo, you'll be embarrassed
I'll leave you semi-hairless, lookin' like Ed Harris
I'm careless with this
Deranged, gone mad
I'll grab the scissors and stab all in your shag
I hate when cats wanna talk and conversate
I'll give you a mohawk and say it looks great
I'll use a Flowbee on a white kid named Toby till he looks like Moby
(JESUS, I JUST WANTED A HAIRCUT!)
Fuck up your identity like Das EFX chemotherapy
Slice your scalp, give your wig to charity
It's scary, cause you're lucky if I cut you when I'm sober
Leavin' cats with comb overs from here to Oklahoma
[Hook]

"As a barber I don't just cut hair. I listen, I get to know my clients
The most important quality in being a barber is my ability to remember details
About each customer."
"Oh hey, watch that birth mark, OW! Jesus Christ!"
"I told you to hold still."
"Jesus Christ are you a barber or a butcher? I'm bleeding like a stuffed pig here."

"Like a fucked up barber, I'll push your wig farther." - Mobb Deep
"When the clippers touched my hair they blew the fuck up." - Jeru The Damaja
"Catchin' more wreck on your dome, than a deranged fuckin' barber." - GangStarr

"Straight up gettin' your hair cut gave me ?"

[Outro] [Majik Most & Celph Titled talking]
[MM] Yeah, Majik Most. A deranged fuckin' barber. Yeah, yo, yo, yo, yo
I'll leave you with an Omar Epps/Gumby head
[CT] Naw kid, Pat Sajak
[MM] Ha ha, naw no I'll make you look like Lyle Lovett and you'll love it
[CT] Pat Riley oil spills!
[MM] Naw, naw, naw, naw, yo, I'll leave you with Buzz Aldrin buzz cut
[CT] Fuck you up like Dauber from Coach, kid. Mop head
[MM] Yo, leave you with a Motley Crew mop. A Motley Crew mop!
[CT] What about them kids with side spikes? Remember that shit?
[MM] Fuckin' tails! Remember kids with tails?
[CT] Oh shit, Theo from Cosby Show had a tail!
[MM] Yo, yo, yo that's how we do, yo. Phat tracks. Celph Titled and Majik Most
[CT] What?!?!
[MM] Deranged fuckin' barbers!
[CT] Blat blat!
"Oh no they're gonna try and cut my hair" - Jeru The Damaja