[BBC Announcer: Eric Idle]
And now, choice of viewing on BBC Television.
Just started on BBC2, the semifinal of episode 3 of Kierkegaard's Journals, starring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount, and Billy Bremner. And on BBC1 now, Ethel the Frog.

(Theme plays)

[Announcer: Terry Jones]
Good evening. On Ethel The Frog tonight, we look at violence. The violence of British gangland.
(Theme fades out)
Last Tuesday, a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were sentenced to 400 years of prison for crimes of violence. Tonight, Ethel The Frog examines the rise to power of the Piranhas, and their subsequent tracking and capture by the brilliant superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs, of Q Division.

[Host: John Cleese]
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born on probation in Kipling Road, Southwark. Their father, Arthur Piranha, a scrap-metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well-known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928, he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929, and Dinsdale, two weeks later. And again, a week after that.

Their next door neighbor, Mrs. Lamberta Simmel:

[Lamberta: Michael Palin]
Kipling Road was a typical East End Street. People in and out of each other's houses, with each other's property, all day long. Hoo hoo! Yes, they were a cheery lot. Cheery and violent. I remember Doug was keen on boxing. But when he learned to walk, he took to putting the boot in the groin.

[Host]
When the Piranhas left school, they were called up, but were found by an army board to be too mentally unstable, even for national service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called The Operation. They would select a victim, and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called "protection money." Moments later, they started another operation, which they called The Other Operation. In this racket, they selected another victim, then threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later, they hit upon The Other Other Operation. In this, the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This, for the Piranhas, was the turning point.

[Announcer]
Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs, of Q division takes up the story.

[Harry: Jones]
Doug and Dinsdale now formed a gang, which they called The Gang, and used terror to take over nightclubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos, and race tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC, they were, for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread, however, we in Q division were keeping tabs on their every movement by reading the colour supplements.
[Host]
One small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

[Vince: Graham Chapman]
Well, one day I was at home threatening the kids, when I looks out through the eyehole in the wall, and I sees this tank pull up. And out gets one of Dinsdale's boys. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape 'round to Dinsdale's place. And Dinsdale's there, in the conversation pit, with Doug, and Charles Paisley the Baby Crusher, and two film producers, and a man they called Kierkegaard, who just sat there biting the heads off whippets.

And Dinsdale just says, "Ah, you've been a naughty boy, Clement." And he splits me nostrils open, and saws me leg off, and pulls me liver out. And I tell him "My name's not Clement." And then he loses his temper and he nails my head to the floor.

[Interviewer: Idle]
He nailed your head to the floor?

[Vince]
At first, yeah.

[Host]
Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O'Tracy.

[Stig: Idle & (Interviewer)]
(Stig, I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.)
No, never! He was a smashing bloke! He used to buy his mother flowers and that! He was like a brother to me.

(But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.)

Oh yeah, he did that.
(Why?)
Well he had to! I had transgressed the unwritten law.
(And what had you done?)
Uh, well, he didn't telll me that. But he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with ol' Dinsey. I mean, he didn't want to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off!
(I also understand he nailed your wife's head to a coffe table.)
Yeah, he did that. He was a cruel man, but fair.

[Host]
Clearly, Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear amongst his business associates, but what was he like?

[Unnamed escort: Cleese & (Interviewer)]
I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions, and I found him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy, and other gang leaders.

(How had he met them?)
Through his wonderful work for charity. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations, and the Grenadier Guards.

(Was there anything unusual about him?)
I should bleeding well say not! Except that Dinsdale was convinced he was being watched by a giant hedgehog, whom he referred to as Spiny Norman.

(How big was Norman supposed to be?)
Well, normally, he was wont to be about twelve feet from his head to his anus. And when he was about, Dinsdale would go very quiet and start wobbling, and his nose would swell up, and his teeth would move about, and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin.

(Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs together?)
Well it's better than bottling it up, innit?!
He was a gentleman, Dinsdale! And what's more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

[Host]
Most of these strange tales concern Dinsdale. But what of Doug?
One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.
[Luigi: Palin & (Interviewer)]
I-I'd been running a successful escort agency, high class--no, really, high class girls, we didn't have any of that, that was right out--
[Phone rings]
Hello? Not now, not now. Stumm, stumm. Yeah, we'll have the, uh, watch ready for you at midnight. The watch. The chinese watch. Right. Buh-bye, mother.
--So I decided to open an high-class nightclub for the gentry at Biggleswade, with international cuisine, uh, and cooking, top-of-the-line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts, that was right out, I deny that completely--Shut that door!--and, uh, one evening, in walks Dinsdale with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I'd bought one of their fruit machines, and would I pay for it?

(How much did they ask?)
Three-quarters of a million pounds.
(Why didn't you go to the police?)
Well, I noticed that-that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area.

So, a week later, they call again, tell me the check had bounced, and said I have to see...
Doug.
(Doug.)
Doug.

Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.

(What did he do?)

He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks. Dramatic irony, bathos, puns, parody, hyperbole, litotes and satire.

He was vicious.

SHUT THAT BLEEDING DOOR, mother.

[Host]
In this way, by the combination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha brothers, by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of England. It was in February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake. In a fit of pique, he napalmed Cheltenham.

Even the police began to sit up and take notice.

[Harry]
The Piranhas realized they had gone too far, and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. I decided on a subtle approach viz some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily, my years in Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff. I followed, as Gloucester from King Lear. Acting on an hunch, I spent several months in Buenos Aires, as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty in Toad of Toad Hall.

Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in Man of La Mancha, which the Bristol Evening Post described as "a glittering performance of rare perception." Although the Bath Chronicle was less than enthusiastic. In fact, they gave me a right panning! Quote:

[Host]
"As for the performance of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched accent, his abusive ad-libs, and his persistent unscheduled appearances and cries of 'what's all this, then?' during the rape scene."

The police now began to close the net around the Piranha brothers, and it was in a last desperate attempt to forestall the inevitable that Doug and Dinsdale went to a small house in [?], where they-

[(Host) and Gang Member: Palin]
Excuse me!
(Y-yes?)
I got a message from Dinsdale. Uh, he likes this record very much, but, uh, him and some of the boys have the feeling that this last item has gone on a bit too long.
(Well, I'm afraid I disagree, I think a story like this needs time to develop and [?]-)
No, no, you misunderstand me--don't wanna debate about it. Dinsdale thinks the humorous impact will be... somewhat dissipated by the prolongation of this item.
(Well, I'm afraid I'm no-)

(Loud needle scratch)
Oh, sorry, squire, I've scratched the reco-
(click)-sorry squire, I've scratched the reco-(repeats indefinitely)